Deadeye Dick Takes Aim at Terrorists

VP fires back at critics, elderly attorneys

Special to The Witlist
13 February 2006 -- 14:33 GMT

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX -- Vice President Richard "Deadeye Dick" Cheney took homeland security in his own hands over the weekend, shooting and wounding a suspected terrorist while hunting in the badlands of South Texas.

The would-be terrorist, 78-year-old Harry Whittington of Austin, sustained wounds to the face, neck and chest. Mr. Cheney, who is followed everywhere by a van full of replacement organs donated by GOP volunteers, was able to quickly call for medical assistance. Mr. Whittington is being treated at the Medical Center in Guantanamo Bay.

According to a vice presidential spokesperson, Cheney was hunting for wild mandarin ducks when the accident occurred.

"He didn't find any WMDs, but that doesn't mean they weren't out there," said the spokesperson. "We have reason to believe they had been shipped to Syria shortly before the vice president's arrival."

Mr. Whittington was in his last throes, added the spokesperson, which means he could hang on for years if not decades.

"We are encouraged by this turn of events," said conservative commentator Fred Barnes, editor of The Weekly Standard. "The Bush Administration has spent the last 12 months shooting itself in the foot, so shooting someone else is a major step forward."