President Bush Warns of New WMD Threat
Gay marriage ban seen as vital to national security
Special to The WitList
5 June 2006
WASHINGTON, DC -- Warning of the threat posed by "Weapons of Marital Destruction," President George W. Bush has thrown his support behind a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage.
In a nationally televised speech, the president said his administration has uncovered evidence of links between sodomists and terrorism.
"We know where the WMDs are," the president declared, pointing to large map of the U.S. with San Francisco, Palm Beach, West Los Angeles, and New York City's East Village outlined in pink triangles.
The president denied that the proposed amendment was part of effort to ban homosexuality outright, characterizing it merely as an effort to ensure that gay people remain virgins.
"If gay people marry, they might end up sleeping together," the president warned. "That could lead to sex. Before long, the country would be overrun with gay babies. I will not let that happen on my watch."
The president threatened to send a battalion of marines to San Francisco's Castro District as a show of force. The city's gay community thanked the president for the gesture, but asked for at least 48 hours warning so it would have time to get a facial and a body wax.
The proposed amendment is considered to have no chance of passing. However, presidential spokesfluffer Tony Snow bristled at charges that the White House was engaging in gay bashing to shore up Bush's conservative base and give the GOP something to talk about other than the president's miserable approval ratings.
"It's been nearly two weeks since this White House has endured a new scandal," Snow said. "That's more than enough time for Americans to forget what a lousy job the president has been doing."