Ted Haggard Claims Tryst With Anna Nicole

Former pastor promotes his paternal potential

Special to the WitList
12 February 2007

NASSAU, BAHAMAS -- As further proof of his newly rediscovered heterosexuality, the Reverend Ted Haggard has declared himself the biological father of Anna Nicole Smith's five-month-old daughter.

The disgraced evangelist, who resigned as pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church in November after admitting to sex with a male prostitute, says he met the deceased-yet-buxom Smith at a conference on Family Values last January. Afterwards, he says, the pair engaged in extensive missionary activities while smoking crystal meth.

“Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern is our love child,” the pastor declared.

Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley, who recently emerged after spending three months in a Scientology-based rehabilitation center, has declared that he too is the father of Anna Nicole's baby. Foley says he rediscovered his latent heterosexuality after undergoing personal counseling sessions with Operating Thetan Tom Cruise.

“For too many years I was a straight man trapped inside the body of an aging homosexual pedophile,” Foley said in a prepared statement. “Anna Nicole showed me the way home.”

Besides Haggard and Foley, the list of potential fathers includes Florida attorney Howard K. Stern; radio personality Howard A. Stern; celebrity photographer Larry Birkhead; Prince Frederic von Anhalt of Germany; Prince Rogers Nelson of Minneapolis; a frozen batch of 12-year-old sperm from Smith's late billionaire husband J. Howard Marshall; and, just because he was feeling left out, Hugh Hefner.

Smith's estate has established a Web site where other potential fathers of Dannielynn can apply for paternity status. However, the site, www.who's-my-daddy.com, is no longer accepting applications from those who merely wish to have sex with the former Playmate.