Republicans Snatch Victory from Jaws of Defeat
Fiendishly clever plan ensures permanent GOP rule
Special to The WitList
8 November 2006
WASHINGTON, DC -- The Democrat's landslide victory in the 2006 midterm elections was in fact part of a fiendish plan by Republicans to rule the country indefinitely, sources report.
"They've fallen completely into our trap," says a senior White House advisor who asked to remain anonymous because it's more fun. "Over the past six years we've screwed up the country so thoroughly it will be impossible for the Democrats to fix it. The country will reject the failed Democrat leadership just in time for the 2008 presidential elections.... and we will rule FOREVER!"
When he finished rubbing his hands together and laughing maniacally, the advisor cited several reasons for an inevitable Democrat meltdown:
- Iraq is a permanent quagmire with no possible solution. The Bush Administration ran out of options after its request for a "do over" was rejected by the United Nations Security Council earlier this year.
- Thanks to the White House's "Nukes for Kooks" campaign, Iraq and North Korea will soon have the capability to irradiate large portions of the planet.
- There's no money left in the treasury. The $2 trillion in bullion stored in the vault at Fort Knox has been secretly replaced with chocolate bars wrapped in gold cellophane.
- The country will be facing a critical shortage of prisons, as former Republican Congressional leaders come up for sentencing.
Brilliant last-minute maneuvering by the Republicans helped ensured the defeat. "That Foley thing was genius," he adds. "It had Karl Rove's fingerprints all over it."
When pressed for comment, President Bush merely said, "Quack quack -- quack-quack-quack-quack-quack," and limped off the stage.