Friday, December 08, 2006

Mary Cheney's Status Confirmed

Birth scheduled to come upon a midnight clear

Special to The WitList
8 December 2006

BETHESDA, MD -- Doctors at Walter Reed Hospital have confirmed that, though she is with child, vice presidential daughter Mary Cheney is still a virgin.

"It's a miracle," said Dr. Bombay, chief of obstetrics at Walter Reed, adding that he hadn't seen anything like this in at least 2,000 years.

Ms. Cheney is now late in her third trimester and plans for a natural childbirth. She is scheduled to give birth on or about December 25 at Manger Memorial Hospital in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

White House press secretary Tony Snow says the Bush administration hoped to send emissaries to be present at the birth, but so far has been unable to locate three wise men. Instead, it will be represented by John Bolton, Paul Wolfowitz, and Donald Rumsfeld.

White House officials declined to confirm whether this is indeed the second coming or that The Apocalypse was imminent. However, the National Weather Service is warning of severe conditions later in the month, including clouds raining fire, swarms of locusts, and rude beasts walking the earth. True believers have been advised to stay in doors and wait for the rapture.

"Now I'm glad we haven't done shit to stop global warming," said a senior White House official. "What a waste that would have been."


Blogger LizDexic said...

I wonder if Ms. Cheney can leverage her vice-prez job at AOL into a job for the junior miss. (or mr.)

Won't the evangelicals welcome this virgin birth!

And AOL gets a new member for their crappy service.

1:19 AM  

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