White House Officials Say Terrorists More Dangerous Than Ever

But assures us Bush Administration has made us safer

Special to The WitList
30 August 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- The White House continued its media blitz today in an effort to obscure coverage of the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.

In a speech before a VFW convention on Monday, Vice President Dick Cheney declared that as bad as things in Iraq are, they could probably get worse -- and that it was all Ned Lamont's fault.

The next day, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld told the American Legion that Democrats are pansies, and only the Republican Party has the will to manufacture a terrorist threat where there was none and then fight it until a once stable country collapses into total chaos.

Meanwhile, the White House plans a gala extravaganza to mark the five-year anniversary of the attacks of 9/11. The $40 million memorial will feature a Texas-style barbecue on the White House Lawn, followed by a $10,000 a plate fundraising appearance by the president and 15 seconds of silence.

"9/11 was a tragedy for America, but it's been pretty good to us," said RNC chairman Ken Mehlman.

Mehlman admitted that Vice President Cheney briefly considered shooting someone else in the face to grab headlines, but denied rumors it paid John Mark Karr to confess to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey. Karr, whose media hysteria rating has been downgraded from Red (child kidnapper/killer) to orange (garden variety perv) was unavailable for comment. Representatives of Mr. Karr reported that he was currently in California, confessing to the Lindbergh kidnapping and the murder of actress Sharon Tate.

In other news: The Department of Homeland Security has boosted the terror threat level to Really Dark Red with Scary Black Lines Running Through It, causing panic at the nation's airports. A plane bound for Los Angeles yesterday was diverted to Cincinnati today after a passenger was allegedly overheard saying he wanted to 'kill the president'. Witnesses later confirmed the passenger actually said, 'I spilled my breath mints.'