Alberto 'Gonzo' Gonzales Shines in Senate Appearance

Attorney General's testimony gives hope to Alzheimers victims

24 April 2007
Special to the WitList

WASHINGTON, DC -- Alberto Gonzales returned to his office yesterday after a triumphant appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee last week. The Attorney General's rousing testimony included 55 responses where he could not recall events that had happened a few months prior, and others where he directly contradicted testimony he had presented earlier to the same committee.

“That kind of performance guarantees you a job for life in this town,” declared President Bush, referring to Gonzales by his White House nickname, the Panicked Hispanic. With only 6 of the nation's 49 Republican senators calling for Gonzales to step down, Bush termed the performance “a resounding success.”

Gonzales spent weeks preparing for his testimony, listening to countless renditions of the Peter Gabriel song, “I don't remember, I don't recall, I got no memory of anything at all.”

When probed about former U.S. Attorney David Inglesias, who was fired after failing to prosecute New Mexican Democrats on the eve of the 2006 elections, Gonzales replied, “Dave's not here man,” a reference to the popular Cheech and Chong routine of the early 1970s. During a 20-minute interrogation by New York Senator Charles Schumer, Gonzalez responded by performing his impersonation of beloved Hispanic stereotype, Jose Jimenez.

Of the eight U.S. Attorneys fired last fall, four had been investigating crimes allegedly committed by the White House's Republican allies. Two others were faulted for not mounting prosecutions against Democrats, despite a lack of evidence to support the charges.

White House insiders say the U.S. Attorney purge was merely an effort to bring political balance to our nation's minimum security prisons. “We were trying to achieve a more bipartisan inmate population,” the source said. “We're hoping to reach through the bars to the Democrats in the other cells.”