Bush Celebrates Victory Over Insurgents

Vows to rebuild Capitol, Congress ... eventually

Special to The WitList
28 May 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- Wearing a flight jacket and a broad smile, President Bush made a dramatic helicopter landing on the Capitol steps yesterday to commemorate last week's victory over the Democrat insurgents.

Standing in front of a sign declaring “Submission Accomplished,” Mr. Bush praised Congress for continuing to fund the War to Nowhere minus timetables for troop withdrawal or meaningful ways to measure the war's progress.

“Major combat operations against the Democrat insurgents have ended,” he declared. “In the battle for Iraq war funding, the Republicans and its allies have prevailed.”

The president said he planned to rebuild the Capitol by cutting off its water and power and planting incendiary devices in office trash cans. He also vowed to track down insurgent leader Cindy Sheehan, who is believed to be hiding somewhere in the northern territories of California.

The new funding will allow the White House to achieve its goal of keeping the troops in Iraq until victory is achieved or another administration takes over, whichever comes first.

“We won the war, but we're not about to lose the peace,” noted one highly placed advisor who was not Karl Rove. The aide defined “victory in Iraq” as the day presidential candidates can walk safely on the streets of Baghdad protected by only a handful of heavily armed bodyguards instead of an entire Marine battalion.

To mark its new definition for victory, the White House announced that Operation Iraqi Freedom will now officially be known as Operation Make Iraq Slightly Less Dangerous Than Detroit.

The president once again thanked U.S. soldiers for sacrificing their lives to save what's left of his reputation.