Friday, July 15, 2005

Bush’s Secret Short List for the Supreme Court

While the burgeoning PlameGate scandal threatens to consume the Bush inner circle, other members of the administration have been quietly whittling down the list of potential nominees to replace Sandra Day O’Connor. An anonymous source, speaking on quadruple super secret cross your heart and hope to die background, has revealed the names of the White House’s top picks. Here they are, in order of preference:

Karl Rove. Can’t you just see corpulent Karl in a black robe? Remember, he is the smartest guy in the Bush White House, though that’s not unlike being the tallest man in pygmytown. His first order of business: pardoning himself in the Valerie Plame scandal.

Robert Novak. The prince of darkness will do anything the Neocons ask, making him an excellent choice for a pro-Bush bench. And he’s clearly got no qualms about sending innocent people to jail – which could prove helpful as those unlawful detainee cases come up.

Terri Schiavo. Though technically dead, Schiavo could be the perfect pick. She’s hugely popular with conservative Christians, and anyone who’s been in a coma for 13 years could hardly be termed ‘activist.’ Exhumed, cleaned up, and plugged back into life support, she could easily compose a more cogent legal argument than Antonin Scalia.

Michael Jackson. If you liked celebrity defendants, you’ll love celebrity judges. Michael knows the ins and outs of the court system by heart, and his molestation trial was a huge draw—imagine what a hit he’ll be on SCOTUS. He also represents a potentially historic choice: the first space alien named to the court.


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