A Day in the Life of GW Bush

The President’s Daily Dairy – August 15, 2005

08:00 Get up. Watch Teletubbies. Mommy has gotten new cereal for breakfast -- Frankenberries. Eat three bowls.

09:00 Receive morning briefing from Dick and Rummy. Dick says the insurgency in Iraq is in its last throes. Ask Dick what “throes” means. He explains the Iraqi people have been throwing things at our troops, and now that their arms are tired they don’t throw as many things anymore. I like Dick.

10:00 Morning energy briefing. Oil prices have reached new all-time high. Call Prince Bandar to congratulate him and his family. Sign bill giving more tax breaks to encourage oil exploration.

10:30 Go for bike ride. Mommy has gotten me a new bell.

11:30 Leave ranch in long black car. Strange people are camping outside the ranch. They hold up signs. Mommy reads them for me. She tells me the signs say “We hate America.” I don’t like these people.

12:00 Go to cookout at neighbor’s yard. Eat hot dogs. Talk to people I don’t know who seem to really like me. Collect $2 million.

14:00 Return to ranch. Bad people are still camping out and holding signs. They yell things. I start to roll down the window to spit at them but Mommy stops me.

14:30 Nappy.

16:30 Wake from nap. Mommy changes sheets.

16:45 Karl calls. Mommy tells him I’m still napping. She says I can’t play with him anymore because of something called a ‘special prosecutor’. I want to play with Karl. I don’t like the special prosecutor.

17:00 Rub the head of small black child for luck.

17:30 Dinner. We’re having fish sticks with macaroni and cheese and rocky road ice cream for dessert. Yumm.

19:00 Briefing with Department of State. Condi is teaching me new words. She makes me repeat things like “Iran not Iraq, Iran not Iraq.” It’s a fun game. I like Condi.

19:30 Movie time. Tonight we’re watching “Harry Potter.” I hope it’s not too scary.

21:30 Put on jammies, brush teeth. Pray that people camped outside go to the bad place that Dick and Rummy built for all the terrorists.

22:00 Mommy tucks me in. Sweet dreams.