Thursday, July 28, 2005

PlameGate: The Movie

It's the biggest scandal since Iran-Contra, if not Watergate. So it's no surprise that Hollywood is showing a keen interest in the Valerie Plame Affair, with the hopes of turning it into another All the President's Men, or at least a TV mini series. Here's a guide to the scandal's major players, and who'll be playing them.

Joe Wilson: Formerly obscure US diplomat who revealed in a New York Times Op-Ed that the White House knew its claims about Iraq's nuclear weapons were bogus. Harrison Ford is rumored to be interested in the role. Otherwise it's Alan Alda in a walk.

Valerie Plame: Glamorous wife of Wilson, mother of five-year-old twins, and former CIA operative whose cover got blown by columnist Robert Novak in apparent retaliation for her husband's speaking out. Now seeking other employment. Top contenders for the title role are Demi Moore and Julia Roberts.

Robert "No facts" Novak: The guy who started it all by 'outing' Valerie Plame, thanks to information provided by "two senior administration officials" who may have violated federal law. The longtime Neocon newsboy will be played by hardnosed TV newsman Ed Asner (Lou Grant).

Karl "Turdblossom" Rove: Chubby and ruthless, with only a high school education but a PhD in political payback, Karl has already been fingered by Time reporter Matt Cooper as his primary source for the Plame leak. Watch for Robert DeNiro in a dramatic comeback role as the Machiavellian master.

Lewis "Scooter" Libby: Chief of Staff for Dick Cheney and one of the sources cited by Cooper and Novak as confirming Plame's identity. The evil yet banal Libby will be played by Owen Wilson, if only because every film needs somebody played by Owen Wilson.

Matt Cooper: Reporter who named Rove and Libby as two of his sources for a Time magazine story about the Bushies' efforts to discredit Wilson. Pudgy, with a tendency to use phrases like "double super secret background." The balding, funny Cooper will be played by the balding, funny Larry Miller.

Patrick Fitzgerald: Tough, methodical, and secretive, special prosecutor Fitzgerald is proving to not be the pushover the Bushies probably expected. Look for Sam Waterson to reprise his Emmy-winning role from Law and Order.

Judith Miller: A reporter who swallowed bogus WMD stories and then regurgitated them on the front page of the NY Times, Miller is now doing time for refusing to reveal her sources to the Grand Jury. The hot rumor is that Miller fed the Plame information directly to Novak, who confirmed it with Libby/Rove (or vice versa). Famed lesbian-turned-soccer-mom Anne Heche is the front runner to play Judy.

John Bolton: The embattled nominee for UN envoy played a key role in fanning the flames around WMDs; he's rumored to be one of Judith Millers sources for the false weapons stories, and may have told her about Plame's identity. He'll be played by Ned Flanders from "The Simpsons."

Condoleezza Rice: The "don't let the smoking gun be a mushroom cloud" gal may well be at the heart of this scandal, as has reported in excruciating detail. For the film version, Janet Jackson beats out Jada Pinkett Smith and Halle Berry for the role and then stuns critics with a rousing screen debut (as well as some hilarious 'WMD malfunction' outtakes).

Scott McClelland: The White House press secretary who's holding his tongue so hard he's about to swallow it. Rob Schneider (Deuce Bigalow) gets the nod here.

George W. Bush: Has to be Will Ferrell. In fact, GWB may be Will Ferrell. Has anyone ever seen them both in the same room at the same time?


Anonymous Micah said...

First of all, Alan Alda is too old to play Joe Wilson. Harrison Ford is a much better choice!
Secondly, Tea Leoni would be best to play Valerie Plame-Wilson. She's got the "look" down better than Demi Moore.
Robert de Niro as Karl Rove???? Hmm...
I just can't see Anne Heche play Judith Miller. Victoria Principe would be better... again, she's got the "look" down pat.
Sam Watterson is absolutely perfect for the role of Patrick Fitzgerald. Bar none.
I honestly can't see Anne Heche as Judith Miller. Victoria Principal would be excellent, she looks close enough to be Ms. Miller.
Ned Flanders as Bolton… too funny!
Jada Pinkett-Smith would be a better fit for Condi than Halle Berry.
Rob Schneider as Scott McCelland? Now you're just being mean! :D
Well of course Will Ferrell as Dubya. He's got the persona down pat! Why he left SNL and an uncanny role as POTUS to be in those … movies … is beyond me.

1:29 AM  

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