What W Really Meant to Say Last Night

A slightly edited transcript of President Bush's speech

28 June 2005

Thank you and good evening. I am pleased to visit Fort McBragg, home of the army and other military things. My greatest responsibility as President is to protect the American people from the truth, and your responsibility is to protect me from them. We thank you for your service, your courage, and your sacrifice. America is grateful – and so is your Commander-in-Chief. Unfortunately, Dick Cheney couldn’t be here tonight, so they sent me instead.

(That was a joke. Karl thought it would be a good idea to start with a joke. Lighten the mood.)

The terrorists who attacked us – and the terrorists we face – hate freedom, reject tolerance, and despise all dissent. Do not be fooled into mistaking them for members of the Republican Party. These people wear towels on their heads and sleep with camels. Republicans wear bowties and sleep with their mistresses. Towels... bowties. Camels... mistresses. It’s something I think about every day.

The people we are fighting today are just like the people who attacked us on 9/11. They have the same names and everything. Many appear to be named Mohammed. You’d think they’d get confused, but.... because we’re unable to catch the ones who plotted the attacks on 9/11, we’re going after these guys. Think of them as a consolation prize.

A great terrorist once said.... “the whole world is watching this war,” which is true, except for my wife Laura, who usually watches Desperate Housewives. He says it will end in "victory and glory or misery and humiliation." Again, just like Desperate Housewives. I can’t remember his name -- really tall, long grey beard, wears a turban.... any clues?

Our progress has been uneven, but progress is being made. We are building roads, and schools, and clinics..... and rebuilding them after they get blown up. Sometimes four or five times. The McDonalds in Baghdad has just introduced the McFlurry. Three out of five Iraqi children can sing the Oscar Mayer Weiner song. There’s no running water, but there is hope, and that’s something.

Over 40 nations have committed billions of dollars to the reconstruction efforts. We thank them, and Halliburton thanks them.

One year ago today, we restored sovereignty to the Iraqi people. They haven’t noticed yet, but someday they will—and they’ll be grateful.

In January 2005, 8 million Iraqi men and women voted in elections that were free and fair. That’s more than you can say about the people of Ohio.

Have I mentioned 9/11 yet?

We fight today because terrorists want to attack our country and kill our citizens – and Iraq is where they are making their stand. We tried to convince them to make their stand in the Bahamas, which has some great hotel deals this time of year, but they refused. They insisted on making their stand in Iraq... which is a total pit – no water or electricity, the restaurants blow, and you can walk for days before you’ll find a working toilet. But there’s no arguing with these people.

So we will fight them there … we will fight them across the world – and we will stay in the fight until either the fight is won or we decide to attack another country. I’m thinking Iraq, but Rummy and Dick are itching to invade Syria. We may just flip a coin.

The principal task of our military is to find and defeat the terrorists – and that is why we are so offensive. And as we pursue the terrorists, our military is helping to train Iraqi Security Forces so that they can defend their people and we can go start another war.

Our strategy can be summed up this way: As the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down. And as they roll over and play dead, we will play Red Rover Red Rover, Won’t You Come Over. It’s a fun game. You really ought to try it.

I refuse to set a timetable for the removal of our troops. The White House is not a train, and I am not a conductor. I did have a Lionel train once, but it never really worked right. Jeb kept stealing pieces of the track. Once he hid a mouse in the tunnel. Where was I?

We will stay in Iraq as long as there is oil left to be sucked out of the ground—and not one day longer.

The American people know what it means to fight for freedom. We fought a revolution, and a civil war, and against tyranny in the 20^th century, just so I could be placed into the highest office in the land by a Supreme Court made up of my dad’s golfing buddies. Grotesque riches and unchecked power for the privileged few--that’s what makes this country great.

So as you celebrate July 4^th, please remember to support our troops. Wave a flag, send a letter to a soldier, or find someone with a “no blood for oil” bumpersticker and beat the living crap out of him.

After September 11, 2001, I told the American people that the road ahead would be difficult – and that we would prevail. Well, it has been difficult, and we have prevailed. We’ve got both houses of Congress, more than half of the Supreme Court, and we just annexed PBS.

Our liberal enemies are brutal—and so are the terrorists. But they are no match for the men and women of the Republican Party.

Thank you. And may God help us all.