Jesus Called Anti-American for Opposing Iraq War
16 August 2005 13:28 GMT
CNN -- Jesus Christ came to earth yesterday to oppose the war in Iraq and urge all mankind to follow the path of peace. He was immediately attacked by conservative pundits as anti-American.
Appearing at a hastily organized press conference near Mount Ararat, the King of Kings returned to many of the themes of his legendary Sermon on the Mount, delivered nearly 2000 years ago.
Flanked by a small entourage of angels, Jesus asked humanity to judge not, lest they be judged; to do unto others as we would have them do unto us; and to love our enemies as ourselves. He warned against following false prophets and urged his followers to acquire their riches in heaven, not on earth.
Appearing on Fox News, Weekly Standard executive editor Fred Barnes called the sandal-clad prophet “a crackpot. Healing the sick, feeding the poor. Who does he think he is?”
Other conservatives claimed the speech was motivated by political concerns, not unconditional love.
“He’s just a pawn of the same left-wing machine that spawned Michael Moore and Move-on dot org,” declared conservative blogger Michelle Malkin, drinking the blood from a freshly killed kitten. “He’s not what I would call a Christian.”
The Reverand Pat Robertson declared the visitor an imposter. “I know Jesus Christ. I’ve met Him many times,” said the TV evangelist and one-time presidential hopeful. “This man is no Jesus Christ.”
In his column in Slate, liberal gadly turned conservative fluffer Christopher Hitchens wrote, “I dare say this so-called savior, this layabout in loincloth, has the moral authority of Demeter’s serpent. ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself?’ What dreary sentimental piffle.”
Jesus said he hoped to come to the United States so he could personally deliver a message of peace to President Bush. However, an official from the Department of Homeland Security said Jesus would not be allowed into the country, as his name was on a terrorist watchlist.