Wednesday, February 15, 2006

All Dick, All the Time

As we enter day 347 of the Dick Cheney "I shot an attorney in my pajamas" controversy, I think there's one question on everyone's mind: When is Cheney going hunting with Scalia again? And could they please bring Thomas and Alito with them?

But that's not my only question. I have seven others I'd love someone out there in blogville to answer (because we know the vice president won't).

1. Texas authorities have revealed there was a third, as yet unnamed, shooter in the hunting party. Who was it? And did he fire from the book depository or the grassy knoll?

2. Is the mainstream media sinking its teeth into this story because a) our elected officials should be held accountable for their actions, b) they're fed up with the Bush administration's lies, or c) the story is so simple even reporters who spend too much time in front of blow dryers can understand it?

3. What kind of yahoos would consider it a "sport" to drive along in a motorcade and fire rounds of buckshot at tame defenseless birds? Wait, I guess we know the answer to that one. But couldn't they try and even the odds a little bit? The occasional landmine, for example, would spice things up.

4. If you, me, or the guy next door shot somebody, would we be able to get away with telling the cops to come back in the morning after we've sobered up and gotten our alibis straight? When did our elected officials stop being subject to US law enforcement?

5. Is anyone else creeped out by the knowledge that the vice president is followed at all times by an ambulance? I cannot shake the vision of a Snap-On Tools van with body organs arrayed like smoked meats in the window of a charcuterie. Get the torches and pitchforks ready, here comes FrankenVeep.

6. For more than 200 years, the vice president's job has been to a) maintain a pulse, and b) inquire after the health of the president. (I know this because I saw it on West Wing). When did the job of VP morph into all-powerful overlord? Wait, we know the answer to this one too: January 20, 2001 -- the day W got inaugurated.

7. Is there any force on earth that can compel Dick Cheney to a) admit guilt, b) take responsibility, or c) accept punishment for doing something wrong? In other words, is there anyone he can't say "Go f**k yourself" to? And if there isn't, what does that say about the state of our democracy?


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