Democrats Report Break in at Party Headquarters

Thieves steal goods worth nearly $100

Special to The WitList
15 March 2006 -- 15:39 GMT

WASHINGTON, DC -- Officials at Democratic National Committee headquarters at 430 South Capitol Street reported a break in last night. According to DC Metro Police, the thieves made off with the contents of a locked vault believed to have contained the DNC's family jewels.

However, sources familiar with the investigation say the jewels may have disappeared long before the break in was reported.

The jewels were last seen in public on September 10, 2001, shortly before the terrorist attacks in New York and Washington. Around that time, Beltway Democrats decided to put their collective testicles in a trust and only bring them out again after Osama Bin Laden had been captured. Newly elected Democrats were also asked to join the so-called Cojones Consortium (or CoCo), leading to the short-lived but memorable marketing campaign, "I'm coo-coo for CoCo (nuts)."

A handful of Democrats -- including Congressmen John Conyers and Nancy Pelosi, and Senators Russell Feingold and Robert Byrd -- refused to join the consortium. Since then they have been cut off from party funds and must use the janitor's restroom in the Capitol basement.

According to a source inside the DNC, the Democrats decided that subsuming their collective manhood was the only way to maintain a seat at the table during the war on terror. However, the source admits, even today the Demos are only allowed to eat from dog dishes, with their hands bound behind their backs.

The Democrats' unwillingness to muster an attack against one of the nation's most unpopular and spectacularly inept presidents is a sure sign that their balls have gone missing, he says.

"We fear they may be gone for good."