You, Too, Could Be President [a quiz]

If you want to cut hair, sell real estate, or neuter somebody's cat, you have to pass a test. But if you want to become President of the United States, all you need to do is be a white male US citizen, over the age of 35, and not in a coma (though the coma requirement is flexible -- see Reagan, Ronald W.)

Don't you think the leader of the free world should be required to demonstrate his qualifications before he's allowed to put his finger on the button? I do. That's why I've created this handy 10-question quiz.

Remember: Please use a sharpened Number 2 pencil, and if you are caught cheating, be sure to blame the media.

1. The leader of a small third-world country requests a meeting where he can have his photo taken with the president of the United States. He hints that he'd be willing to pay for the privilege. You should...

a) Explain that the office of the presidency is not for sale, but you'd be happy to hire his country to provide security for our nation's ports

b) Warn him that you'd have your photo taken with him but the camera would probably steal his soul

c) Instruct him to bring a shopping bag containing $1.2 million in small unmarked bills and leave it with your pal Jack

d) Tell him that for another $100K he can have his picture taken with live bunnies

2. You've just been briefed about an impending natural disaster that could kill thousands and leave over a million people homeless. Only immediate executive action can cut through the red tape and keep these citizens out of harm's way. Your first response is to...

a) Boost the country's morale by attending a series of Republican fundraisers

b) Make sure no major GOP donors are in the hurricane's path

c) Go biking with Lance Armstrong

d) Re-read your favorite passages from My Pet Goat

3. In your state of the union address you talk about "ending our addiction to foreign oil." To prove you're serious about this radical shift in energy policy, you should...

a) Ride your bike on Interstate 395

b) Chug a gallon of Pennsylvania Crude

c) Enroll in the Betty Ford Clinic for Fossil Fuel Dependency

d) Try not to smirk when you say it

4. A lobbyist who met with your staff nearly 200 times and raised more than $100,000 for your campaign has been indicted for bribery, influence peddling, money laundering, and other white collar crimes. The appropriate course of action is to...

a) Instruct your staff to purge any photos showing you and the lobbyist in the same ZIP code

b) Promote the prosecutor in charge of the investigation to the federal bench, just as the case is coming to trial

c) Vow to fire anyone on your staff who took meetings with the lobbyist, with the exception of those who actually did

d) Practice saying, 'Jack who?' without smirking

5. You've ordered the NSA to eavesdrop on American citizens in clear violation of federal law. In your defense, you argue that...

a) The law you broke was 28 years old and needed replacing anyway

b) The U.S. Constitution, a 217-year old law, gives you the right to do anything you damned well please, so neener-neener

c) The spying program makes us all safer in some really important ways which you'd gladly explain, but then you'd have to kill us

d) Karl made you do it

6. Complete the following sentence: "When Iran or North Korea explode a nuclear device and launch World War III, I'd want to be trapped in a bomb shelter with..."

a) Dick Cheney

b) Lynn Cheney

c) Lon Chaney

d) Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre

7. An evil terrorist launches an attack that kills thousands of innocent Americans. You vow to capture him "dead or alive." Nearly half a decade later he is not only not dead, but tanned, trim, and looking like he's spent the last five years at a spa. You must immediately...

a) Redefine the word "dead" to include the phrase, "resting comfortably"

b) Insist that if he dies of old age it still counts

c) Keep launching wars against other countries until everyone forgets what you originally said

d) Osama who?

8. Which of the following statements best summarizes your highly nuanced views on the war in Iraq?

a) As the Iraqis stand up, we'll stand down

b) As Iraq blows up, we'll fall over

c) As our poll numbers drop, we'll pull out

d) As the oil dries up, we'll fade away

9. You want to reward your top supporters but all the jobs running federal agencies have been filled, so you settle for T-shirts instead. Choose one of the following slogans to be silk screened on each shirt:

a) I just can't quit you, Karl

b) Fascism: It's not just for Nazis anymore

c) My country invaded Iraq and all I got was 2300 dead soldiers, a civil war, and this stupid T shirt

d) Osama who?

10. Despite spending nearly $2 billion on a massive propaganda effort (including the purchase of several journalists), your public approval rating has sunk to a new low of 34%. This leads you to an obvious conclusion:

a) You bought the wrong journalists

b) Two-thirds of Americans hate America

c) As an optimist, you prefer to look at the glass as one-third full

d) You're doing a heckova job

Scoring: The answer to each question is "e) all of the above." Give yourself 4 points for each correct answer, subtract 1 point for each incorrect one, then divide your final score by 2. If you can do that math correctly, you're obviously not presidential timber. This country needs someone who can lead on faith, not facts.