Crime Wave Engulfs Bush White House

Claude 'the Fraud' Allen just tip of iceberg

Special to The Witlist
13 March 2006 -- 04:28 GMT

WASHINGTON, DC -- Former senior White House advisor Claude Allen was arrested last week and charged with 25 counts of retail fraud. According to the Montgomery County Police Department, Allen purchased $5,000 worth of goods from Target and Hechts stores and stowed them in his car. He then returned to the stores with his receipts, took identical items off store shelves, and demanded refunds for them.

Allen resigned his $161,000-a-year job in the Bush White House last month, saying he wanted to spend more time shoplifting with his family. Among his other duties Allen led the White House's response to Hurricane Katrina, but his primary responsibility was letting the president be seen in public with a black person who wasn't Condoleeza Rice.

A White House official says West Wing staffers are still in shock. "Only $5,000?" said the aide, who insisted on anonymity. "Really? You sure you're not missing a couple of zeroes in there?"

In a related story, Interior Secretary Gale Norton resigned last week after security cameras recorded the staunch anti-environmentalist attempting to steal six microwave burritos from a Georgetown 7-11. Norton, who enjoys close financial ties to disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, claims she merely slipped the steaming hot burritos inside her shirt in an effort to stay warm.

"Washington can be a very cold place," Norton said while being led away by DC Metro police.

A forensic examination has revealed that the .28 gauge birdshot used in the shooting of Harry Whittington on a Texas ranch last month was stolen from a nearby Wal-Mart. The hunting party had stopped by the store to pick up a couple of six packs and more ammo, according to vice presidential munitions spokeswoman Katherine Armstrong. When the clerk asked for payment, the vice president instructed him to perform an anatomically impossible act. Whittington took responsibility for the theft, saying he accidentally stepped between the vice president and the cashier at a crucial moment.

Florida congresswoman Katherine Harris is expected to end her bid for Democrat Bill Nelson's Senate seat this week after revealing that she took part in a series of armed robberies across three southeastern states. Harris is also expected to confess that she shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. While the crimes constitute multiple felonies, legal experts say they pale in comparison to Harris's theft of the 2000 presidential election while serving as Florida's Secretary of State.

At a press conference in the Indian city of Bangalore, President Bush admitted to taking more than $1.6 trillion from the US Treasury, but said it was just a temporary loan and that he'd planned to pay it back before anybody noticed. He issued himself an immediate pardon and said he now considered the matter closed.