Alberto Steams Toward US Shores

Storm may cause permanent damage to property, Constitution

Special to The WitList Weather Desk
12 June 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- Tropical Storm Alberto will lash the Florida shore later today on its way to becoming a full fledged hurricane. The first named storm of 2006 originated near Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and may reach the DC area by the weekend.

Alberto is expected to cause disruption to the nation's telecommunications infrastructure, causing private phone conversations to be heard from thousands of miles away. Web searches and email correspondence may be similarly affected.

With the potential for sustained winds of 150 miles per hour, Alberto could lift entire homes off their foundations and carry the occupants to secret prisons in undisclosed locations.

Storm victims are likely to find their heads held underwater for several minutes at a time, and to be abused by dogs and scantily clad interrogators while digital photographs are taken. Residents of trailer parks and people with Arabic-sounding names are advised to steer clear of Alberto's path.

Journalists covering the storm have been warned that their status as members of the fourth estate would offer no protection against the raging Alberto.

"Just because you're holding a microphone and wearing a flapping windbreaker doesn't mean you're untouchable," said a Department of Homeland Security official who asked to remain unnamed, lest he be investigated for leaking government secrets.

White House press secretary Tony Snow says the Bush adminstration does not condone hurricanes that torture, but it will do what needs to be done in the fight against weather. He added that Oval Office staffers have spent the last three days preparing for post-storm investigations by shredding memos and deleting email.

"We are ready to weather the storm," said Snow. "But nobody thinks it will be that bad."