The Ballad of the Republicans (or '2006 -- A Race Odyssey')

An epic poem in five parts

I

And so they met, one wintry eve
The braintrust of the GOP
To stave off voter insurrection
And resurrect their hopes for re-election

"If we don't quickly change our luck
Come November we'll be sitting ducks
'Mr. 33 Percent' is stinking up the place
We must take steps to fortify our base:

The undereducated masses
The people who teach Bible classes
Crackers, gun nuts, and right wing shills
The grotesquely rich, the mentally ill

We need to generate excitement
So they'll forget all those indictments;
The graft, the greed, the gross corruption
Those missing weapons of mass destruction

The bridge to nowhere, Katrina's wake
The hookers at the Watergate
Our situation is so perilous
Even Diebold cannot save us"

So they unveiled a five-point plan
To maintain power o'er sea and land
And keep the country safely in their thrall
I shall now reveal it to you all

II

To show we're tough on law and order
We'll put 6,000 on the border
And build a fence from the gulf to the beaches
(But still let them in to pick the peaches)

Not "amnesty;" we'll call them "guests"
So they can work at our behest
Then kick them all back out again
Before the midterms in 2010

No question that the job is hard
So we'll call in the National Guard
After years of fighting in Baghdad
Texas won't seem all that bad

III

We'll need a plan for global warming
So we'll announce that we are forming
A research panel filled with expert sources:
Exxon, Chevron, and the Saudis, of course

The cause, they'll find, is not emissions
But insufficient patriotism
Our planet's air has hit a snag
From all those liberals burning flags

So there's no need to stop pollution
We'll just amend the Constitution
And while we're banning flaming flags
We'll keep their sons from marrying fags.

A marriage amendment -- that's the fight
To energize the religious right
And make them cry out "Bravo!
But you really had us at 'Schiavo' "

To make room for these new addenda
We'll cut the First and Fourth Amendments
Sure, the ACLU will be pissed
But otherwise they won't be missed

IV

If the nuke talks with Iran go bust
(And, trust us, they most surely must)
We'll unveil the ultimate weapon of persuasion:
A massive All-American invasion

When liberals claim this war's in error
We'll just call them soft on terror
The Democrats will naturally bend over
Saying 'Thank you sir, may I have another'

After Kabul, Baghdad, and soon El Paso
The troops we'll need are out of gasso
So when the Guardsmen finally run out
We'll start recruiting Eagle Scouts

Who cares if more young soldiers die
As long as our poll numbers rise
It's a tiny price to pay
For truth, justice, and the Republican Way

V

In this, our party's darkest hour
Freedom is at stake; not the country's -- ours
If we lose more than 15 seats
We'll be lucky if we're just impeached

It hardly needs be spoken
There is no law we haven't broken
So prison's the more likely end
For many of our Red State friends

All that legislative power
Won't buy much inside a prison shower
After screwing the country for 5+ years
It will be our turn to take it up the rear

To win this fight we have no choice
We must all speak together with one voice
And help Americans overcome their disbelief
That moron is still our Commander in Chief

Creative Commons Copyright 2006 by Dan Tynan. Feel free to share, but please keep this copyright notice with it.