President Bush to Assume Role of President

Vice president's office urges public not to panic

Special to the WitList
27 June 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- For a few hours this Saturday, President Bush will once again be leader of the free world, as Vice President Cheney has the battery on his heart defibrillator replaced.

This will be the seventh time the president has acted as commander in chief while Mr. Cheney has undergone a medical procedure. The president also took the reins in February 2006, while the vice president hid in the attic of the Armstrong ranch after shooting 78-year-old Harry Whittington in the face.

Besides replacing his pacemaker, the vice president will undergo a sulphuric acid flush and have a new nuclear kill mechanism installed to deter attempts on his life. If anyone tries to murder Mr. Cheney, the device inside his chest will ignite, killing everyone within a five-mile radius.

Worried that Mr. Bush might accidentally lean on the button that starts World War III, top White House aides plan to keep the president busy during his brief time in command, most likely by sending him on a long bike ride. The last time Mr. Bush was in charge, he accidentally got his foot stuck in the Oval Office toilet, forcing the entire White House to go into lock down.