General Petraeus Urges New 'TiVo Strategy' for Iraq

Mastering remote controls may hold key to victory

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

WASHINGTON DC -- Testifying before Congress today, General David Petraeus urged the nation to press “Pause” in its efforts to withdraw US troops from Iraq, more than five years after invading the sovereign nation.

Petraeus said the administration's new “TiVo Strategy” would provide a clearer picture of what's happening on the ground in Iraq, especially when viewed on high-definition TV sets. It also would allow the president to visit the potty and get a snack while the US military attempts to extricate itself from the war-torn nation.

Petraeus promised the president would return to the couch and hit Play, though probably not before late January 2009. Congressional Democrats urged the administration to press Fast Forward, but declined to take over the remote controls, saying they weren't sure how how to work the buttons and were afraid they might break something.

In other news, Senator David Vitter (R-La.) narrowly avoided severe injury yesterday when a car in which he was a passenger slammed into a stop sign outside a courthouse in northern Louisiana. Vitter was was being pursued by journalists seeking comment about his upcoming testimony in the DC Madam trial. The high-speed pursuit lasted approximately 15 feet. Police blamed aggressive paparazzi for the unlawful death of the sign.

Local prostitutes could not be reached for comment.