Larry Craig Unresigns From Senate

Refuses to have career stalled by invasive probe

Special to the WitList
5 September 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- Senator Larry Craig may not resign after all, according to sources close to the Idaho Republican.

Aides to the resolutely heterosexual Craig say that though the three-term senator announced his intention to resign his Senate seat on September 30, he didn't actually mean it.

During the press conference where he issued his resignation, Craig tapped his left foot six times. In political circles, this usually indicates the person speaking has no intention of actually doing what he's saying.

Craig also wiggled his left pinky at a male reporter in the third row, indicating his availability for an exclusive one-on-one interview following the question and answer period.

Democrats applauded Craig's decision to undecide, saying they hadn't had this much fun since the whole Mark Foley thing.

Despite pleading guilty to a charge of lewd behavior in an airport bathroom, Craig maintains his innocence. He has retained attorney Billy Martin as his defense counsel. Martin, who most recently defended NFL star Michael Vick against charges of illegal dogfighting, issued a statement saying no animals had been harmed during Craig's alleged lewdness.

The embattled senator once again affirmed that he is not gay, has never been gay, and has no plans to become gay in the near future. However, he added that he can usually be found in the Senate cloakroom between 3:15 and 3:30 pm, if anyone's interested.

In related story, Louisiana Senator David Vitter has announced plans to reintroduce the controversial Marriage Amendment on the Senate floor. Vitter has managed to hold onto his Senate seat despite admitting to being a regular customer of the infamous DC Madam. The new bill would define marriage as the legal union between one man, one woman, and one prostitute, though not necessarily the same one every time.