Bush Defends Urge to Surge

Asks for nation's hope, prayers, Ibuprofen

Special to The WitList
24 January 2007

SCRANTON, PA -- President Bush has embarked on a nationwide speaking tour to drum up support for his new policy in Iraq. Here is the transcript of his message to the American Legion in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

I speak today to urge the American people and the United States Congress to support my call for a troop surge in Iraq.

In last November's election the American people have spoke, and I have listen. Unfortunately they used words longer than two syllables. I hate that.

But they sent a clear message. And that message was, Go F**k Yourselves. Oh, wait. Sorry. That was Dick Cheney's message. I had it written down on one of those sticky notes on my desk....here it is. Their message was, Don't give up hope. Don't give up on our troops. Don't give in to the terrorists. Don't double down on a pair of eights when the dealer is showing a face card. Oops, my bad -- that was Bill Bennett's message.

I leave the war to the personnel on the ground, but I am the decider in chief, the decision-makerer. So when our generals asked for 500,000 troops, we gave them 150,000. When our troops asked for body armor, we gave them free trips to DisneyWorld. You know those guys always exaggerate. Look at the Cold War. Those Russians were pussies.

Now Iraq stands on the brink of a civil war. Sunnis and Shiites are spending so much effort killing each other they don't have time to kill us. Is that a brilliant stragetery or what? And you all thought I was a moron.

Now we need 21,500 more American troops -- just one more soldier for every 8 square miles of desert. You'd need a spy satellite to find one of them. But it will make all the difference.

Have I lied to you before? Cause when I'm lying my upper lip does this little twitchy thing, right in the corner, and when I said that just now it didn't do that.

This is the right course. I feel it in my heart, and in my loins, and that strange tingly sensation down the back of my leg, which Laura says might just be a pinched nerve.

I believe we can still win. I believe God gave me this job for a reason. I believe Karl Rove is a genius. I believe Fox News. I'll believe anything Dick tells me to believe.

Because I am a man of hope. And with enough hope, and prayers, and endless debates about pointless policy changes, we can hang on long enough in Iraq to blame the Democrats for this mess.

God bless you, and God bless America.