Sunday, March 29, 2009

Shocking New Evidence reveals Michelle Bachmann is Batboy

Minnesotan Republican actually mythical half bat/half human creature

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

bachmann & batboy

The WitList has received conclusive evidence that Republican Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (above left), who recently appeared on Fox News and called upon her right-wing followers to start an "orderly revolution" against the Marxist Obama regime, is in fact the elusive creature known as Batboy (right).

Bachmann narrowly won reelection to Minnesota's Sixth District last fall after accusing her Democratic opponents of being anti-American. She was first elected to the House in 2006. Opponents have often accused the controversial Bachmann of being a bit batty, never realizing just how true that was.

Batboy first appeared on the cover of The Weekly World News in June 1992. His whereabouts have been a matter of conjecture for several years, though he did announce an aborted run for the governorship of California in 2003. It is not known whether Batboy underwent gender reassignment surgery before assuming the name Michelle and running for Congress.

Representatives for  Bachmann/Batmann declined to comment for this article.


Thursday, March 26, 2009

My Resignation Letter to AIG

Dear Mr. Liddy:

It is with deep regret that I submit my resignation from AIG and its fine financial services division. Like Jake DeSantis, the author of the resignation letter recently published in the New York Times, I wish to offer some context as to the nature of my decision.

I am proud of everything I've done to help bring capitalism to the brink of collapse. But I want you to know I do not accept responsibility for the loss of trillions of dollars invested 401K plans and retirement accounts. Which isn't to say I was not to blame, but merely to say I accept no responsibility.

Nonetheless I feel betrayed by AIG, slandered by the media, and unfairly persecuted by government officials. I can no longer perform my duties in a dysfunctional environment where the odds of skimming a massive return off the savings of millions of hard-working Americans have dwindled to practically zero.

We've never met so I thought you should know a little bit about me. Mine is a truly an American success story. I was raised by carnies who worked the midway in a broken-down circus run by Russian mobsters. We lived on borscht and stale popcorn. On Christmas morning our big treat was being allowed to lick the inside of an empty bag of barbecued pork rinds.

Yet I persevered. Thanks to a summer job selling Everglades real estate and a scholarship from the Charles S. Ponzi foundation, I put myself through MIT, earning a degree in Applied Mathematics as it Relates to Improbable Investment Opportunities.

In 1998 I got a job on Wall Street. I spent years devising investment instruments based on algorithms so complicated even I don't understand how they work. All I remember is you take the national debt of Bolivia, fold in the accounts receivables from Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles franchises, divide by Pi, and collect 12.5 percent off the top in service fees.

I worked 10, 12, 14 hours a day, seven days a week, making AIG the economic powerhouse it is today. The sacrifices were enormous. Sometimes I went months without seeing my mistress.

Just as you did, Mr. Liddy, I agreed to take on the job of dismantling my division, working for a pitiable salary of just $1 a year and the promise of a multi-million-dollar payout at the end of my contract. After salting away $5 to $10 million a year for the past decade, you must admit that's quite a hefty pay cut.

I know that because of my hard work I have benefited more than most during the economic boom and that my family is unlikely to suffer devastating losses during the current bust. It's true that my suits cost more than the average monthly income of 87 percent of Americans and what I spend on lattes alone could feed a third-world nation. What can I say? It's great to be me.

As I feel I have done nothing wrong – certainly nothing that anyone else making money by the assload on Wall Street would consider to be wrong – I am not motivated to surrender my earnings. None of us should be cheated out of our payments any more than a plumber should be cheated after he has repaired the toilet only to find out that the other plumbers have stolen all the copper pipes and the electrician has gotten whacked after the general contractor found him screwing his wife. Wait, sorry, that was a Soprano's episode. I get these things confused sometimes.

However, my intent is to keep none of the money myself. Instead, I have decided to donate 100 percent of the effective after-tax proceeds to those who are suffering the most from the global economic downturn. I am speaking of course of the hard working girls at Madame Wong's House of Happy Endings, in whose company I have spent many happy hours in a state of extreme lubrication.

Hey, I didn't give jumbo mortgages to crack ho's and meth heads. I just built multi-billion dollar investment vehicles out of them. Don't blame me because your pension fund invested in it.

I wish you luck Mr. Liddy in your continuing efforts to return the money so generously extended by American taxpayers and in whittling our once proud company down to a nub. But after what's happened over the past two weeks I can no longer be a part of this effort.

I've already obtained a fake passport, had face-altering plastic surgery, and at this moment am jetting off to an undisclosed island with several million dollars in gold bullion and my man-servant Rudolfo. Catch me if you can, motherfuckers.


Dan Tynan

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Limbaugh More Popular Than Staph, Poll Says

Right wing talk show host leads Pelosi, trails serial killers

By Dan Tynan
Special to the WitList

In a national poll, CBS News reports that the fresh new face of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh, received a favorable rating of 19%. That's slightly below the 22% registered by departing President George W. Bush last January, but better than former vice president Dick Cheney (13%) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (18%).

A closer look at the numbers, however, reveals a slightly different story. For example, Limbaugh is more popular than the majority of bacterial infections. The rotund radio host scored higher than staph (13%) and streptococcus (17%), but lower than painful rectal itch (22%).

Limbaugh fared much better among residents of trailer parks (44%), the morbidly obese (57%), members of the Oxycontin rehab community (42%), individuals whose parents were first cousins when they married (47%), and regular viewers of Fox News (98%).

“We lack Rush cuz he's be one of us,” survey respondent Wanda Dohicky of Marfarr, Kansas, said of Limbaugh, who earns a reported $33 million a year and has been known to light his trademark cigars with stolen welfare checks.

The porcine populist still lags behind Charles Manson, the Son of Sam, and John Wayne Gacy (all tied at 24%), but remains ahead of comedian Gilbert Gottfried (7%).

Republican party officials contacted for this story were last seen attempting to commit seppuku rather than comment.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A New Modest Proposal

For Preventing the Very Rich from Being a Burden to Their Country and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public

The Dow is still dour and the stimulus is anything but stimulating. Government bailouts are now on a scale that would appall the staunchest fans of FDR and LBJ -- and still we're told it's not enough. Soup kitchens and bread lines are looking less like yesterday's newsreels and more like tomorrow's news. Even China doesn't think our money is worth the paper it's printed on.

Meanwhile, conservatives decry the growth of socialism while stuffing as much federal booty into their pockets as they can. I say, for once, the conservatives are right. Bailouts and stimulus packages are the wrong approach. We can neither buy nor spend our way out of this economic apocalypse.

There is a solution, however – an obvious one, when you start to think about it.

Forget socialism. Think cannibalism.

It is time, finally, to eat the rich.

Imagine it. In one move we could quell the bubbling rage Americans feel at Wall Street's insatiable greed while feeding thousands of deserving souls. Eating the rich would make Jon Stewart's treatment of Jim Cramer look like a happy ending at Madame Wong's House of Oriental Massage. It would feel good and taste good at the same time.

Remember the French Revolution? It too was preceded by financial crisis. Two draining wars had left the country bankrupt, and the nobility had rigged the rules to avoid paying taxes. After centuries of abuse, the peasants took matters – and many of their blue-blooded patrons – into their own hands.

Substitute Bernie Madoff for Louis the 16th, AIG's Edward Liddy for Marie Antoinette, a set of Ginsu steak knives for the guillotine, and voila! An all-you-can-eat buffet of the finest Americans America has to offer.

True, the French did not cook and eat their former overlords. But then, consider their bathing habits. Bad now, worse then. I'm talking freshly showered, highly pampered American flesh unsullied by the rigors of hard labor, with a sprinkling of coriander and a hint of fresh basil.

It's the perfect recipe for our troubled times.

Consider these numbers. An average 180-pound adult male provides roughly 70 to 80 pounds of meat, or about 300 McDonalds Quarter Pounders. Given the corpulence of the rich, one would expect even greater returns – for Rush Limbaugh, say, triple that amount.

Sweetbreads like the brain, pancreas, and kidneys would stretch the rich's food value even further. (However, I'd recommend avoiding the liver. No matter how much you love paté, the volume of toxins you're likely to encounter in the livers of the obscenely rich are almost certainly fatal.)

Once we've disposed of their carcasses, what remains are their assets. The Forbes 400 – or, as I like to think of them, the Quarter Pounder 120,000 -- controls over $1.5 trillion in assets alone. That would pay for 47.2 million new teachers, based on the average starting salary of $31,753. It would buy health care for 190 million Americans, based on average annual costs of $7900 per person. It would buy a hell of a lot of fries and still have money left over for millions of McSlurries.

We could feed the hungry, employ millions, shore up our nation's crippled educational system, care for those who can't afford to care for themselves, and all it would cost us is 400 lousy billionaires and a handful of Weber grills. A bargain at twice the price.

Expand this progam to the top 1 percent of Americans – who control over a third of our nation's wealth – and the benefits increase exponentially. Those 3 million Americans could feed the other 297 million for months; spreading their assets evenly over the general population would effectively give everyone a massive bump in salary, expanding discretionary spending by an order of magnitude. Recession? Stagnant GDP? Dwindling dollar? Gone in a heartbeat. It's boom times all over again.

And when these people pay their taxes (because the poor and middle class largely do pay their taxes), there will be money to repair our crumbling infrastructure and ensure the security of our financial system. It's a win win all around.

Naturally, some will object to this proposal on moral grounds. The taboo against consuming human flesh is strong. But gross immorality is what got us here in the first place. The bankers and brokers who brought our economy to the brink of collapse had no qualms about cannibalizing our future and no limits to their gluttony. They've been face down in the trough while millions lost their jobs, their homes, and their hope.

I don't think we'd need to eat all of the rich. A few well orchestrated meals would likely convince the rest to stop acting like swine. They could start by giving the money back.

History doesn't lie. When the people have finally had enough, they rise. When they get angry enough, taboos slip away. Whether they march on the Bastille with torches and pitchforks or on Bear Stearns with knives and salad forks, the result is the same. Blood flows just as easily as money.

It's food for thought.

-- The WitList (with apologies to the ghost of Jonathan Swift.)


Monday, March 16, 2009

Global Economic Crisis is Over, say Experts

Public humiliation of Jim Cramer credited for biggest surge since 1997

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

NEW YORK -- The world markets heaved a collective sigh of relief this morning as the global economic crisis was declared officially over, thanks to last week's smack down of television pundit Jim Cramer by television pundit Jon Stewart.

"It was a good old fashioned ass whuppin," said one analyst. "Who knew that's all it would take?"

The Dow soared 900 points on the news that Cramer had been taken down a peg, while the Nikkei Index climbed 12 percent in a single day's trading.

As a result, MSNBC announced it has canceled the public flaying of money honey Maria Bartiromo, scheduled for later this week.

Stock vs Schtick

In a highly anticipated grudge match, the suave but short satirist pummeled the dangerously unbalanced stock tout with questions, video clips, and barely restrained moral outrage, while Cramer cowered in a corner clutching a dog-eared copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul of Morally Bankrupt Hedge Fund Managers.

"Jim Cramer was almost entirely responsible for the market collapse, the rampant fraud, and Ponzi schemes across Wall Street,"  noted an influential banker who asked to remain anonymous. "He also personally approved billions in bonuses for corrupt AIG officials. Now that he's out of the picture, we can get back to doing what we do best -- investing pensioner's life savings in dangerously over-inflated 'securities' while lining our pockets."

According to sources contacted by The WitList, Wall Street is nearing completion of the Trans-Financial Pipeline, a multi-billion-dollar project that will siphon money directly from taxpayers' pockets into the accounts of the Street's wealthiest humans, bypassing the IRS entirely. 

"The pipeline will correct inefficiencies in the market and put the money where it really belongs: In the hands of the people who already have most of it," said the source. "Otherwise, it will just end up being frittered away on groceries and medical bills. For our economy to be strong, we need to put brokers before home owners -- or as we like to put it, 'bro's before ho's'."


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