Thursday, June 12, 2008

Setting the Record Straight on Michelle Obama

By Dan Tynan
Special to the WitList

As we all know, reverse racism is a terrible thing. For years White Americans have suffered at the hands of those privileged to possess a higher melanin count and superior vertical lift. We have been victimized by a vast Afro-American conspiracy to keep us from appearing on the BET network, starting at point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers, or dating Oprah.

Now, with the Obamas poised to move into the White House, it's time to reverse reverse racism before it's too late.

In truth, the problem lies not with Barack Obama. He's like Tiger Woods without the Swoosh. And being half white, there's a good chance he has an average-sized penis.

Michelle Obama, on the other hand.... Big Problem. Not only is she black and female, she's also angry. And there is nothing more dangerous to White America than an Angry Black Female With an Enormous Penis.

Despite near-documentary evidence to the contrary, Michelle Obama continues to deny she used the phrase “Whitey” in a conversation with Louis Farrakhan and Reverend Jeremiah Wright about the elimination of the Caucasian race. Maybe that's true. But if she's not a reverse racist, why does her official campaign limo have a “Honk if you're a honky” bumper sticker on the back? And why does she refer to the Oval Office as the “Ofay Office” when white people aren't listening?

White America demands and deserves answers to these questions.

But wait, it gets worse. Thanks to our exhaustive research, we've uncovered more damning evidence of Michelle Obama's hatred of her paler peers. Over the years she's made a number of comments harmful to the white race, followed by pitiful denials. Here are just a few examples.

Stick it to da man.” While touring a furniture factory in Ohio, the would-be first lady was heard to reveal her master plan for dealing with whites after ascending to the White House. Obama claims she actually said “Stickley – he's the man,” referring to Gustav Stickley, master furniture maker of the early 20th century. Oh come on. How would a black person know anything about that?

Foshizzle ma nizzle.” Michelle Obama was clearly seen lip syncing this phrase when she appeared in a Snoop Dogg rap video as one of his bitches. Obama claims to have never appeared on stage with the Snoopster in any venue, taped or otherwise. She did not, however, deny being one of his bitches.

I was marinatin' on the porch with my homies sippin on a 40.” Obama claims this refers to marinating pork at home for Barack's 40th birthday. This clearly an outright lie. We all know Muslims don't eat pork.

I'm gonna bust a cap in that white bitch's ass.” Obama claims this statement concerns a visit to her veterinarian's office and an anal suppository, and that “white bitch” refers to her Alaskan Eskimo dog, not Hillary Clinton. Please. Do you think we've never seen Cleopatra Jones or Get Christie Love?

Dyn-o-mite!” Obama admits she actually did say this.

This charade has gone on long enough. Can we really be expected to believe that the wife of the country's first semi-black presidential candidate could conduct herself as an adult in public? That a graduate of Princeton and Harvard Law isn't hooked on Ebonics or out to destroy the White Race as we know it?

What do you think we are, stupid?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

McCain Googles for a Veep

By Dan Tynan

RICHMOND, VA -- Republican presidential nominee John McCain has announced a new tool in his search for a running mate: Google.

According to Reuters, the candidate says he's using the popular search engine to vet potential candidates.

"You know, basically it's a Google," he said to laughter at a fund-raising luncheon when asked how the selection process was going. "What you can find out now on the Internet -- it's remarkable."

So far, officials close to the McCain campaign say Google has allowed the Senator to narrow the field to a handful of top candidates. They include:

* A deposed Nigerian minister who's offered to donate $35 million to the McCain campaign, once he manages to sneak it out of the country

* Tay Zonday, singer of "Chocolate Rain" and winner of a 2008 Webby Award

* Pop singer Rick Astley.

The aides said the Arizona senator briefly considered adding LonelyGirl15 to the ticket, but declined after discovering she did not meet minimum age requirement of 35.

"One thing is for sure,"said the aide. "Anything we do is better than asking Cheney to pick somebody for us. We're not even sure we'll be able to pry him out of the building next January."

Monday, June 09, 2008

Apologies if I offended anyone

.... with my Hillary jibes yesterday. (And I know I must have, because I caught an earful about it this morning.)

I wasn't trying to be sexist, but apparently I succeeded in grand style. For that, I apologize. They say that if you have to explain a joke it can't be very funny to begin with, but I'm going to try and explain it here.

First: I have tremendous respect for Senator Clinton as a person and as a legislator. I think she'd make a fine president (better than her husband, for sure). But I hated the way she ran her campaign. I hated the 'do anything to win' strategy. I hated how 'Republican' she acted, even if her policy ideas came straight out of the FDR-Kennedy-Johnson strain of the Democratic party. And the last thing this country needs is another Republican in the White House, in thought or in deed.

More than that: I hate 'politics as usual.' I hate the way Washington is run. The Clintons, smart creatures that they are, figured out how Washington is run and mastered that game. But the game sucks. I want someone who wants to flip the game board over and scatter the pieces. I don't know if Obama can do that. I don't know if any one can. But I want someone in the White House who is at least willing to try. That's why I support him. He's also the first candidate I've ever encountered as an adult who I'd consider the least bit inspiring. Hillary is admirable, but I'm not inspired.

Anyway, my post was intended to be a silly take on how the Clintons expected to march into the White House next January the way the Bush-Cheney administration marched into Baghdad, and how when everything didn't fall exactly into place they had no plan 'to win the peace,' as John Kerry used to say. (Talk about uninspiring candidates.) That was really the nucleus of the idea; the Pottery Barn thing was just a silly way to approach it. And apparently offensive. Sorry about that. Also: sorry about the 'bitch' joke. I knew when I wrote it I should have changed it.

This is the problem with trying to write in a funny and/or satirical way. Without an audience to play to, there's no way to know when you're just being an ass.

Future warning: if I feel inspired again to wax snarky on politics, I'm likely to make jokes about Obama appointing JayZ his Secretary of State or say something about how damned old John McCain is. So I'll just apologize now and get it over with.



Sunday, June 08, 2008

Hillary Clinton Cancels Large Pottery Barn Order

Senator may lose $30 million deposit

By Dan Tynan
Special to the WitList

CHAPPAQUA, NY -- Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has quietly canceled a large order from popular catalog store The Pottery Barn, sources close to her former campaign have reported.

The former first lady had ordered more than a dozen rooms' worth of furniture, rugs, and wall art, as well as a new china set for 200 guests. "Senator Clinton will no longer be needing those items," said an aide who asked to remain anonymous. "We have no further comment at this time."

The Senator, who formally suspended her campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination yesterday, had apparently placed the order last December, just ahead of the Iowa Caucuses.

Sources close to her campaign say they remain stunned by the outcome. The former first lady had been considered a virtual lock for the nomination when the campaign began in January 2007.

"We expected to be greeted as liberators," said one aide. "We were told it would be a slam dunk. Then this Hussein character showed up and took us by surprise. Obviously the intelligence we relied on was wrong."

The aide acknowledged that it was probably a mistake to hang a "Mission Accomplished" banner across the campaign's New York headquarters last May. The aide also said choosing Celine Dion's "You and I Were Meant to Fly" as the campaign's official song was another blunder.

"Even my mother doesn't listen to Celine Dion," he says. "Personally, I think we should have stuck with our first choice, Elton John's 'The Bitch is Back.' It was way catchier."

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Poll: The Hillary That Wouldn't Die

This is an experiment with a service called BuzzDash. Please select from the following choices. I'd like to see what happens and if this service really works the way it's supposed to.

Thank you for your support. You may now return to your regular life, already in progress.
Change Congress Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.