Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Bush Reveals Bold New Strategy for Victory in Iraq

Plan looks strikingly similar to older, timid strategy

Special to The WitList
30 November 2005

ANNAPOLIS, MD -- In a defiant yet optimistic speech, President Bush outlined his plan to win the war in Iraq for the 327th time today, saying he would settle for nothing less than "complete victory." The president later defined "complete victory" as the day the first Starbucks Cafe opens in Baghdad's Green Zone.

Once again Mr. Bush refused to set a timetable for troop withdrawals, saying he would not be intimidated by the "terrorist tactics" of Gallup, Harris, Zogby and other pollsters that put his approval numbers in the low 30s.

Mr. Bush declared he would allow conditions on the ground to determine when U.S. soldiers would return home. White House aides estimate conditions on the ground will become extremely favorable in early October 2006, approximately 30 days before next year's midterm elections.

The president declared, "To all who wear the uniform, I make you this pledge: America will not run in the face of car bombers and assassins." Instead, troops will be instructed to walk backwards at a rapid yet dignified clip, waving and smiling as they enter a C-147 transport plane.

In a departure from his usual text, the president mentioned the September 11 attacks only twice in the 35-minute speech. He also failed to use the phrases "Islamic radicalism," "militant Jihadism, or "Islamo-fascism," possibly because he found them too difficult to pronounce.

Earlier in the day the White House released a 35-page document titled "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq." The WitList obtained an early draft of the paper, in which the words "Viet Nam" had been erased with Liquid Paper and "Iraq" written over them in ballpoint pen.

Bush spoke to cadets at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland. It was his 3,479th appearance before a military audience this year, tying him with Bob Hope for second place on the all-time list. Joseph Stalin holds the record with 10,672 military appearances.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Cheney Hot Air Balloon Collides With Truth, Explodes

Special to The WitList
28 November 2005

NEW YORK -- A float in the shape of Dick Cheney crashed during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade last week, but no one was seriously hurt.

A last-minute addition to the 79th annual parade, the 515-pound polyurethane structure depicted the Vice President offering a one-fingered salute to administration critics. The float's appearance was designed to send a message to those who've alleged the White House deliberately misled the nation about the origins of the Iraq war.

However, the balloon began losing air when it snagged on a series of prickly facts suspended in its path. Borne aloft by a dangerously explosive mix of hydrogen and hyperbole, the float ignited when it was struck by revelations that the president knew Iraq had no ties to Al Qaeda within days of the 9/11 attacks, and that its 'evidence' of Iraq's biochemical weapons program came from a well-known pathological liar.

The flaming wreckage landed on a dwindling crowd of GOP supporters, who escaped without physical injury but were forced to abandon what scant credibility they may have had left.

"It was just like the Hindenburg," said one elderly bystander. "Oh, the inhumanity."

Even after being downed, the smoldering remains continued to move forward along the parade route, through sheer force of will.

A spokesman for the vice president denied there was anything wrong with the float, declaring such charges "shameful and corrupt." He also accused critics of attempting to rewrite the rules of aeronautics.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Survey Shows Strong Support for Bush Policies in Iraq

WASHINGTON, DC -- Democracy in Iraq is working and President Bush's support is strong. These are the results of a recent survey conducted by The Bowtie Institute (BTI), a conservative think tank based in Washington, DC.

The poll was conducted in October among Iraqi citizens in and around Baghdad's Green Zone. Results have a margin of error of plus or minus 50%, as some respondents took the poll several times.

"Unlike what you read in the liberal press, the President is quite popular -- especially among people who have no idea what he's saying," says Senior BTI Fellow T. Phineas Gage.

For example, an impressive 82 percent of Iraqis agree with the President's recent assessment that "progress in Iraq has been amazing," though Gage points out the Iraqi word for "amazing" is phonetically similar to another Arabic phrase meaning "camel dung."

Among the survey's other findings:

  • More than 56% of Iraqis believe the President should stay the course. However, 87% of those polled believed the question referred to a golf course -- specifically, the Infidel Palms Country Club just outside Baghdad. Apparently the president has been invited to play the 3,497-hole course several times but has so far declined.

  • Nearly 50% prefer the chemical weapons employed by American forces to those used by former dictator Saddam Hussein. Apparently the white phosphorus bombs used by Marines in the battle for Falluja left behind a fruity aroma with a refreshing hint of mint.

  • Given the choice, a plurality of Iraqis say they would rather be held in secret underground prisons and tortured by the ruling Shiite majority than by Hussein's secret police. (Note: Exact numbers are unavailable for this question; many of those who said they'd rather not be tortured by either side disappeared shortly after agreeing to take the survey.)

In the survey's most important finding, Iraqis do not support impeachment proceedings against President Bush by a margin of nearly two to one -- even if he knowingly lied about Saddam Hussein's nonexistent ties to Al Qaeda and fictional weapons of mass destruction.

Gage says Iraqis gave three main reasons why they opposed impeachment:

7% believe Americans live in a constitutional monarchy, where the president must die and be succeeded by his first-born son.

14% say there is no conclusive evidence that anyone in the West Wing has ever received a blowjob, the only proven criteria for impeachment

79% believe the phrase "President Dick Cheney" is too fucking scary for words

"I think the president's next move is clear," says Gage. "He should run for prime minister of Iraq. He'd win it in a walk."

* * *

About The Bowtie Institute:

At The Bowtie Institute we believe deeply in a return to America's fundamental values. Ours is a country founded by rich white males, and that's how they intended it to stay. We started it, we own it, we can do what we want with it.

The Bowtie Institute: Providing the clothing for naked self-interest since 2004

Sunday, November 20, 2005

New Strain of Avian Flu Hits DC

Leads to irrational behavior, personal attacks; quarantine urged

Special to The WitList
19 November 2005

ATLANTA -- Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have identified a new and virulent strain of the avian flu in our nation's capital. The flu, which is believed to have originated among a large flock of chickenhawks inside the Beltway, has begun to spread to other areas of the country.

Unlike the more common varieties of avian flu, which affect the respiratory system, this strain ravages the brains -- in particular the speech and vision centers -- of those who have been exposed to it.

"This substrain is characterized by a pronounced inability to say anything that is actually true," says Dr. Ira Neesded, lead researcher for the CDC study. Victims become disordered and irrational, attacking anything in direct opposition to them.

For example, flu victims who have exerted enormous effort to avoid military service would automatically attack those who have served their country with distinction, says Neesded. Victims who have exchanged political favors in return for free trips and other kickbacks from lobbyists would likely demand ethics investigations of others for allegedly doing the same.

The flu also calcifies the lower spine, making it more rigid.

"When these people boast of having a strong backbone, they aren't just talking," says Neesded. "But everything above the second cervical vertebrae just turns to mush."

The airborne virus -- known to researchers as Avian Influenza R (BSH43) but more informally as Neoconfluenza -- is presumed to spread via certain talk radio and 24-hour cable news networks. Though there is no known cure, doctors say individuals can inoculate themselves with the facts about the Bush administration and the origins of the Iraq war.

As for those who are already infected, the CDC recommends they be quarantined to private institutions in their home states, where they will no longer be a danger to themselves and others.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Alito or 'Scalito'? You Be the Judge

Special to The WitList
17 November 2005

On a 1985 application for the job of deputy assistant to then-Attorney General Edwin "Fast Eddie" Meese, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito stated that "racial and ethnic quotas should not be allowed and that the Constitution does not protect a right to abortion."

According to a New York Times report, Alito expressed a particular distaste for the decisions of the Warren Court.

"He singled out that court's decisions in matters of criminal procedure, the separation of church and state, and the reapportionment of state voting districts to ensure minority groups were equally represented," the paper noted.

On that same job application, under "Hobbies," Alito submitted "cow tipping, minstrel shows, and setting hoboes on fire." Alito added that, though he wouldn't call it a hobby, he enjoyed pulling the left legs off of spiders so they always veered to the right.

Alito attributed the statements on his application to youthful exuberance, coupled with the natural tendency to lie when applying for positions of power. He was 35 years old when he applied for the job.

Thirteen years earlier, while a student at Yale, Alito belonged to an organization that actively opposed affirmative action, homosexual rights, and the abolition of male-only clubs on campus. He also sponsored a campus-wide petition declaring Yale's famous a capella singing group, the Whiffenpoofs, as "too faggy for words."

Alito has vehemently denied that his personal views would ever influence his judicial decisions, though he did admit to receiving legal advice from a sock puppet named Norman.

However, Judge Alito was at a loss to explain how his judicial decisions matched his conservative viewpoints nearly 100 percent of the time, attributing it to "pure coincidence."

"I can't really explain it," he says. "It's uncanny. I mean, what are the odds?"

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The Truth Can Finally Be Told

Now that Bob Woodward has gone public, it's time for me to do so as well.

I too knew Valerie Plame's identity.

In June 2003, I received a phone call from a senior administration official. Through his/her attorney, he/she has since given me permission to reveal his/her name. But because I cannot absolutely confirm that this was an explicit personal waiver given freely and without coercion, aspen trees turning in clusters etc etc, I am compelled to take his/her name to my grave.

I can say, however, that my source was not Lewis Libby, Karl Rove, Condoleezza Rice, Steven Hadley, Ahmed Chalabi, Mark Felt, Judith Miller, or Rafael Palmeiro. It might have been Dick Cheney speaking in a falsetto, but I doubt it.

We began by talking about the weather.

"Sure has been muggy lately," the official said.

"Sure has," I agreed.

The official then asked if I knew who Joe Wilson was (I did) and that he went to Niger to investigate Saddam Hussein's alleged attempt to purchase 500 tons of yellowcake uranium. I said I was intimate with the details of the case.

Then, in a casual off-hand way, the official asked if I also knew that Wilson's wife Valerie Plame was not really an energy consultant for the firm of Brewster-Jennings but was in fact a covert agent investigating WMDs for the CIA, that Brewster-Jennings was itself an agency front organization, and that it was Plame who sent her husband on this pissant boondoggle?

No, I said.

The official concluded by trying to sell me a time share in the Florida Keys--two weeks a year, low maintenance fees, no money down. It was a tempting offer, but I declined.

Later I thought little of this conversation. In fact, it slipped my memory entirely until just a few moments ago, when reading the articles about Woodward's testimony. This may have been due to the head trauma I suffered later that summer, or that week-long bender in Tijuana with the Girl Scouts and the Mariachis.

Nonetheless, I apologize to my editor and my colleagues for withholding this information for more than two years, and for commenting blithely on the Plame case on my blog and in public. I promise that the next time a top government official violates national security by revealing the name of a covert CIA agent to me, I will take it a little more seriously.

I'm ready for my deposition now, Mr. Fitzgerald.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

White House Scraps Plans for 'Tickle Me Gitmo' Doll

PR Group Promotes President's Veto of Torture Ban

Special to The WitList
15 November 2005

WASHINGTON, DC -- Following the scandals at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay and the recent discovery of secret CIA gulags in Eastern Europe, the White House has formed the Government Relations Office for Public Education, designed to drum up support for the President's policies on the torture of terror suspects.

"We don't call it torture," said a spokesperson for GROPE, who declined to give his name or remove his black hood. "We prefer to use the term 'compassionate coercion'."

As part of its efforts to promote the warm, fuzzy side of forced interrogation, GROPE planned to introduce a "Tickle Me Gitmo" doll, based on the popular Tickle Me Elmo dolls of the mid-90s.

The 12-inch-tall doll looks like a bearded, blindfolded detainee. When you hold its head underwater for more than 30 seconds, the doll quivers uncontrollably and reveals the details of Al-Qaeda's next suicide bombing attack.

However, the group scrapped plans to market the doll after focus group testing revealed children wanted to cuddle them, not extract information vital to the nation's security.

The GROPE spokesperson underscored President Bush's recent claim that "we do not torture," despite estimates by human rights groups that at least seven inmates have died from injuries inflicted while in U.S. custody. He also defended the president's right to veto the ban on torture recently passed by the U.S. Senate.

"Because we do not torture, we do not need to ban torture," said the spokesperson. "It's as simple as that."

He maintained that the White House's policy on inmate interrogation was perfectly in line with the Geneva Conventions. He later clarified that he was referring to the Geneva Conventions of 1642, which concern the making of chocolate.

Repugs Unclear on the Concept of Patriotism (a Rant)

In a move that positively reeks of Karl Rove, George W. Bush is on the attack again.

He's back to playing Commander in Chief -- donning flight gear and addressing crowds of military personnel who, presumably, would risk court martial if they expressed anything other than sincere admiration.

(You know things have gotten bad when you have to limit your personal appearances to places where a) no one else speaks English, or b) you personally outrank everyone in the audience.)

Bush is accusing Iraq war critics of attempting to rewrite history -- saying, essentially, they had access to the same information he did, and thus were just as stupid in supporting the war.

The fact that the Demos' support was based largely on lies supplied by the Cheney Cabal -- coupled with a lot of post-9/11 cover-your-ass flag waving -- strangely fails to get mentioned.

The truth is that the White House is really trying to rewrite mathematics -- the 60 percent of Americans who believe Bush lied about WMDs in Iraq and is steering this country straight off a cliff. That's six out of ten citizens, or as George would likely say, very nearly a majority.

Around half of Americans believe this administration has undergone an ethics bypass, which probably happened around the same time Cheney had his last remaining internal organ replaced with battery acid and barbed wire.

The Bush administration only knows how to do two things -- PR campaigns and smear campaigns -- usually both at the same time. This is what passes for "strong leadership." And now they are dragging out the oldest trick in the scoundrel's playbook: calling opponents of the Iraq war "unpatriotic."

There is plenty of unpatriotism going around, but it's coming from the opposite direction.

  • Lying to the American public about the reasons for going to war -- because you knew the truth won't sell -- is unpatriotic.

  • Fabricating and/or suppressing evidence and then blaming "intelligence failures" for your fraudulent war is unpatriotic.

  • Detaining suspects for months in secret without charging them with a crime is unpatriotic.

  • Spying on US citizens who had the temerity to disagree with the White House is unpatriotic.

  • Allowing your cronies to siphon off billions in taxpayer dollars while 40 percent of Americans can't afford health insurance is unpatriotic.

  • Letting hundreds of victims die in a flood because the troops who were supposed to help them were off fighting a fraudulent war is unpatriotic.

  • Exposing a CIA agent as political retribution while allowing foreign spies to infiltrate your own offices is unpatriotic.

And that's the short list.

Even Fox News isn't buying it. Bush's own party is smelling the blood in the air and looking for ways to carve out "peace with honor." The Veep was right when he said the insurrection was in its last throes, only he was talking about the wrong insurrectionists -- it's the Republican insurrection in DC that is gasping for air.

It's time for Georgie to pick up his toy soldiers and crawl home to Crawford. We need to help him get there.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

White House for Sale (Cheap)

Last week, the New York Times reported that leading Republican lobbyist "Black Jack" Abramoff received $9 million for arranging a 30-minute meeting between President Omar Bongo of Gabon and President Bush in May 2004.

Abramoff was not doing anything out of the ordinary; he was merely trading in some of his Bush stocks on the GOP Suck Exchange, or GOPSUX. Little-known outside DC, this market allows power brokers to trade face time with party leaders, political favors, cushy government jobs, lucrative no-bid contracts, and more for cold hard cash.

The GOPSUX can be quite volatile; commodity values rise or plummet depending on public opinion polls and the activity of special prosecutors. Today, for example, that same meeting with the President would trade for only $987.32.

Laura Bush, on the other hand, has retained her value on the GOPSUX. At today's prices, a 30-minute chat with the First Lady (Ticker: LLB) would cost nearly $500,000. For an extra $50,000, she'll come to the meeting wearing fishnets and stiletto heels and carrying a riding crop.

When the Reverend Pat Robertson (REV) recently declared the city of Dover, Pennsylvania, a godless hellhole because its residents voted down the teaching of "intelligent design," that was the result of a trade on the Sux. Dover's citizens pooled their money and purchased a Robertson tirade against their town. Why? Because the last time Robertson did something like this--in 1998, when he urged God to smite Orlando after the city put up rainbow flags to celebrate gay rights--property values shot up 200%. It seems a lot of people want to live in a godless hellhole.

In fact, nearly all of the Bush administration's major achievements -- the economy (TAX), Iraq (IRQ), national energy policy (OIL), and so on -- can be tied directly to trades made on the exchange.

Some might call GOPSUX just another form of influence peddling or corruption, or even the wholesale usurping of democracy. But it's really just the natural culmination of free market capitalism. When everything else can be bought and sold, why should government be an exception?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

White House Takes Ethics 'Refresher' Course

No, I'm not joking. From Sunday's LA Times:

Bush has resisted demands in recent days from Democrats and other administration critics that he revoke Rove's security clearance or fire him; he says he is deferring comment until Fitzgerald finishes his inquiry. But there were signs this weekend that the White House was sensitive to the charge: It has scheduled a series of staff refresher lectures on ethics and classified information....

White House Counsel Harriet E. Miers and her staff will conduct the lectures, which are required for staffers with a security clearance at any level, according to a memo to White House staff released Saturday to reporters traveling with Bush in Latin America. That would apply to Rove. "Your attendance at one of these sessions is mandatory," the memo says. "There will be no exceptions."

In preparation for her lectures, Miers handed out questionnaires to all White House staffers, to gauge their existing levels of ethical awareness. The WitList has obtained a copy of this document, which follows.


1. US agents have detained a foreign national on suspicion of being a terrorist, having ties to terrorism, or spending altogether too much time frequenting falafel stands. Appropriate forms of interrogation would include:

... beatings with a rubber hose by compassionate conservatives
... being trapped in an elevator with Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity
... reading them the steamy bits from Lewis Libby's novel, The Apprentice
... nude oil wrestling with Barbara Bush

2. In retaliation for criticism of your administration, you've exposed a covert CIA agent and endangered the lives of everyone associated with her. The appropriate response is to

... Declare that she wasn't all that covert anyway
... Refuse to comment until the investigation is over
... Refuse to comment until the administration is over
... Seek a pre-emptive presidential pardon

3. A friend of a friend is being considered for a high-level government position he is hopelessly unqualified to hold. You would only hire him if he....

... has secured contributions to the GOP exceeding $100,000
... Is employed by a cartel of Native American casinos
... Is spying for a foreign government
... Is good with horses

4. Your top aides and political allies are being investigated for laundering money, defrauding the government, benefiting from illegal stock deals, misusing taxpayer funds, perjury, obstruction of justice, and lying to the FBI. Your response is to

... nominate Tony Soprano to the Supreme Court
... declare war on Newfoundland
... spend a lot of time talking about the avian flu
... start moving all your money into a numbered bank account

5. In your honest opinion, President Bush is

... taller in person
... just the coolest president ever
... not as stupid as he appears--really
... doing a heckova job

(OK, now I'm joking.... but just a little.)

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