Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Are You Qualified to Be Vice President?

You don't need years of tireless public service, a degree from a decent college, or national security experience to become vice president. Heck, you don't even need to be smart. All you need to do is pass this quiz.

Do you have what it takes to be one heartbeat away from the presidency? Sharpen your number two pencils and find out. But please, no Googling or looking in Wikipedia. We want this to be one contest whose results you can actually trust.

1. One of these men is Vladimir Putin. Can you identify him?

1a. How about with his shirt off?

There, that's better.

2. How many nations are in the 'Nuclear Club'?

a. 2
b. 4
c. 7
d. 10

2a. How many nations are in the 'Hair Club for Men'?

3. Which of the following nations are NOT members of the Nuclear or Hair Clubs for Men?

a. India
b. Iraq
c. Iran
d. Israel

4. Which nation has more thermonuclear warheads than any other nation on the planet?

a. Russia
b. United States
c. China

4a. Let's try that again. Which nation has more thermonuclear warheads than any other nation?

a. Russia
b. Russia
c. Russia

5. So which nation is it probably not a good idea to suggest the US should “perhaps” go to war with to protect a smaller nation with no nuclear warheads?

Was that so hard?

6. That the United States will “provide political, military and economic assistance to all democratic nations under threat from external or internal authoritarian forces” is the definition of which presidential doctrine?

a. The Monroe Doctrine
b. The Truman Doctrine
c. The Bush Doctrine
d. In what respect, Charlie?

7. The 25th Amendment to the US Constitution provides for...

a. Orderly transfer of power when the president is incapacitated
b. Woman's right to vote
c. Americans' right to drink
d. Making Alaska the 57th state

8. Quick: The vice president's office belongs to which branch of government?

a. Executive
b. Legislative
c. Judicial
d. Cheneary

9. You've just accidentally shot someone in the face. The first thing you do is...

a. Willingly submit to questioning by authorities
b. Invoke legislative executive privilege
c. Claim the victim had ties to 9/11
d. Hide under the bed and refuse to talk anyone but Sean Hannity

10. True or false: They really do speak Latin in Latin America

a. Verus
b. Falsus
c. Quis?

11. Lipstick looks best on

a. Pitbulls
b. Pigs
c. John McCain's collar

12. You're presiding over a state dinner honoring Chinese premier Wen Jiabao. The president of the Republic of Taiwan calls and says he'd like to be invited. This is a bad idea because....

a. China and Taiwan are unofficially at war
b. Their wives can't stand each other
c. Last time he was over he ate a bad shrimp and bok-choyed on the carpet

13. Four of these vice presidents became president, but only one was ever elected to the office. Which one?

a. Gerald Ford
b. Andrew Johnson
c. Millard Fillmore
d. Calvin Coolidge

14. How many presidents have died in office?

a. 4
b. 6
c. 8
d. All of them

15. How many of them were older than John McCain is today?

a. 0
b. 0
c. 0
d. All of the above


0 to 5 points: You don't have what it takes to be VP. But you might be able to run a small-ass town in the middle of f*****g nowhere

6 to 10 points: You'll have to settle for a job with Fox News

11 to 14 points: You'd be VP material, if only your breasts were bigger

15 points: I'm sorry Hillary, but the position's been filled

Note: Actual answers to be posted next week... maybe.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Next President and Vice President of the United State of America

Sickened by the McCain Palin lie machine? Tired of earnest-yet-wimpy responses from the Obama campaign? Then ladies and gentilemen, I give you the winning alternative:

Ron Paul + Ru Paul '08

She's tanned, he's rested, they're ready.

He's a libertarian firebrand who'll speak truth to power no matter what the consequences. And he smokes dope!

She's a gender-bending chanteuse with an ass like a locomotive heading south at high speed. And she kills her own food!

Talk about lipstick on a pig!

Monday, September 01, 2008

Cindy McCain is Pregnant!

Would be First Lady has potential First Baby

ST PAUL, MINNEAPOLIS -- In the capper to a day of stunning disclosures from the McCain campaign, would-be first lady Cindy McCain announced that she too is with child.

The 55-year-old beer heiress was thought to be well past child-bearing age and surprised both campaign staff and her husband with her announcement. However, she said she was determined to remain a svelte size five throughout the term, with the help of amphetamines.

"John doesn't spend all his time campaigning," Cindy McCain said, winking. "The surge worked."

When asked about the pregnancy, Senator McCain seemed puzzled and replied he wasn't actually sure of how many children he had, you would have to ask his wife.

Earlier in the evening, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska announced that Bristol Palin, her unmarried 17 year old daughter, is five months pregnant. This put something of a damper on Internet-fueled rumors that Trig, Palin's four-month-old, is really Bristol's child.

"I guess that abstinence program we had her on didn't take," Palin said with a shrug.

The Palin camp announced that 14-year-old daughter Willow is not yet pregnant, but has a hot date for next Friday night, so anything's possible.

In response, an aide to Barack Obama's campaign declined to talk about either candidate's family, but assured voters that the candidate and his wife Michelle continue to have a robust sex life using appropriate birth control measures. He then mouthed the words "four times a night -- seriously" but refused to take any questions.
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