Sunday, July 29, 2007

An open letter to Senators Elizabeth Dole and Richard Burr

I write to you today as a citizen of North Carolina and of the United States. I write not as a Republican or a Democrat, but as a concerned American. And I hope you will respond not as Republicans, but as concerned Americans.

I am deeply troubled by the actions of our government. At no other time in our nation's history has the executive branch laid claim to so much power, and so blatantly ignored the will of the people and the rule of law.

Not even Congress, it seems, has the authority to question the President, the Vice President, or their staff. Even its ability to pass laws has been circumscribed by the White House.

I trust you are intimately familiar with these issues, but I offer these examples as a brief summary.
In short, the President and Vice President have declared themselves above the laws that govern every other citizen of this country. It is a presidency run amok. It is a vice presidency that claims to be an entity unto itself, answerable to no one.

This is not what the founders intended.

If party affiliations were reversed, and it were a Democrat in the White House, I have no doubt where you'd stand on these matters. I am asking you to apply the same principles to our current administration. I am asking you to ignore loyalty to your party and instead demonstrate loyalty to your country.

It is time to put an end to this abuse of power before we no longer have the ability to do so.


Daniel Tynan

Friday, July 27, 2007

President Bush to Assume Role of President

Vice president's office urges public not to panic

Special to the WitList
27 June 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- For a few hours this Saturday, President Bush will once again be leader of the free world, as Vice President Cheney has the battery on his heart defibrillator replaced.

This will be the seventh time the president has acted as commander in chief while Mr. Cheney has undergone a medical procedure. The president also took the reins in February 2006, while the vice president hid in the attic of the Armstrong ranch after shooting 78-year-old Harry Whittington in the face.

Besides replacing his pacemaker, the vice president will undergo a sulphuric acid flush and have a new nuclear kill mechanism installed to deter attempts on his life. If anyone tries to murder Mr. Cheney, the device inside his chest will ignite, killing everyone within a five-mile radius.

Worried that Mr. Bush might accidentally lean on the button that starts World War III, top White House aides plan to keep the president busy during his brief time in command, most likely by sending him on a long bike ride. The last time Mr. Bush was in charge, he accidentally got his foot stuck in the Oval Office toilet, forcing the entire White House to go into lock down.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Al Qaeda Launches Franchisee Program

Boasts 'Over 1 billion terrorized'

Special to The WitList
25 July 2007

CHARLESTON, SC -- President Bush hammered home the growing threat from al Qaeda yesterday, invoking the name of the terrorist organization 118 times in a 29-minute speech.

"Some say that Iraq is not a part of the broader war on terror," Bush said. "They claim that the organization called al Qaeda in Iraq is an Iraqi phenomenon -- that it's independent of Osama bin Laden and it's not interested in attacking America. That would be news to Osama bin Laden."

Classified material in the recent National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) appears to confirm the president's statements.

According to sources within the intelligence community, Osama Bin Laden has been funding his operations by selling regional franchises in the worldwide terrorist network. Though al Qaeda in Iraq is the best-known spinoff, the group has also been licensing terror franchises throughout Afghanistan, Pakistan, and other parts of the Muslim world.

“Our growth plan is going better than we could have dreamed, praise Allah,” said a spokesterrorist for the group. “We would like to thank the Bush administration for making all of this possible.”

Later this year, al Qaeda plans to open a chain of Islamofascist restaurants in the United States, along with a marketing campaign featuring a terrorist clown named Osama McBama.

Among other promotions, the restaurants will offer a free improvised explosive device with every McMartyr Happy Meal. Drive-through windows will allow Jihadists to get a good burger and then blow themselves up without leaving their cars.

A White House senior official scoffed at the notion that Bin Laden, who has managed to elude capture for nearly six years, would be able to sell Sharia Shakes or Fallujah Fries to a terror-fatigued American public.

“We will continue to fry them over there, so we don't have to fry them over here,” he said

Friday, July 20, 2007

President's Colon Claims Executive Privilege

Bush bowels reject efforts to be probed

Special to the WitList
20 July 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Bush's colonoscopy, scheduled to take place on Saturday morning, hit a snag this afternoon when the organ in question refused to submit to an investigation. Speaking through their attorney, the president's ileum, duodenum and jejunum rejected all attempts to examine them, claiming their contents were protected by executive privilege.

However, senior advisers believe a compromise can still be reached where the colon would submit to a probe, provided it was not under sedation and no records were kept.

If the scheduled procedure does take place, Vice President Cheney will temporarily assume the reins of command under the 25th Amendment, one of three Constitutional amendments not yet violated by the Bush Administration.

Cheney has secretly urged the president to undergo a much more extensive examination, saying that the scheduled four-hour procedure barely gave him enough time to position his solar death ray over Iran.

White House spokesman Tony Snow said he could not comment on an ongoing investigation, but was confident doctors would find no evidence of wrong doing.

Snow confirmed that the president's anus was under strict orders to not to leak classified information. If true, it would become the only asshole in this administration to not reveal state secrets.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Bin Laden to Make Presidential Bid

Says he's tanned, rested, and ready to run in 2008

Special to The WitList
17 July 2007

PESHAWAR, Pakistan -- In a surprise move, Osama Bin Laden has declared his intent to seek the Republican nomination for president in 2008. Speaking via a video press release, the al Queda leader said he decided to toss his turban into the ring because he wanted to give something back to the party that has helped him so much over the years.

In overnight polls, the terrorist mastermind was already drawing better numbers than former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.

Though the US Constitution requires presidential candidates to be born in the United States, Bin Laden says the White House has ignored so many laws already, one more surely won't matter.

As president, Bin Laden vowed to continue Bush Administration policies of bankrupting the US Treasury, subverting the Constitution, flouting the rule of law, and encouraging personal corruption. However, he would immediately withdraw troops from Iraq.

"Now that we have gained control of the country, there's no longer any need for a sustained US presence," noted an al Queda spokesterrorist.

Inside sources believe Bin Laden may be secretly eying a vice presidential nomination, because he wants to be where the power truly lies. "A Romney-Bin Laden ticket could bring all the fundamentalist kooks out of their caves," said one highly placed source.

Some neocons were intrigued by the idea of Bin Laden in the Oval Office, arguing that it might be easier to keep an eye on the world's most wanted criminal inside the White House, or whatever branch of government the Vice President's office happens to be in at the moment.

"If Bin Laden is elected in 2008, that would mean the Bush presidency has been a success," noted William Kristol, editor of The Weekly Standard. "I like the odds. "
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