Thursday, November 09, 2006

Rumsfeld Statue Toppled in DC

But Demos victory celebration may be short lived

Special to The WitList
9 November 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- Democrats were greeted as liberators today as Operation American Freedom swept through this long besieged city, taking back both the US House of Representatives and the Senate.

Long-repressed liberals danced and wept in the streets they toppled the statue of Donald Rumsfeld, which had cast its long shadow over the Pentagon for the past six years.

Wearing a flight suit, new House Speaker Nancy Pelosi emerged from a Huey 1 helicopter that had landed on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and declared "major combat operations have ended."

However, senior political advisors said the mission was still far from accomplished. The leader of the Republican Guard, Richard Cheney, is still at large. He is believed to be hiding in a spider bunker in a GOP stronghold outside Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Rather than surrendering, disgruntled members of the Guard may simply melt into the general population, where they can plant incendiary news stories and wreak havoc on Democrats trying to rebuild the country.

Advisors warn that, if not managed carefully, post-election America could end up snared in a bruising and endless civil war.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Republicans Snatch Victory from Jaws of Defeat

Fiendishly clever plan ensures permanent GOP rule

Special to The WitList
8 November 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Democrat's landslide victory in the 2006 midterm elections was in fact part of a fiendish plan by Republicans to rule the country indefinitely, sources report.

"They've fallen completely into our trap," says a senior White House advisor who asked to remain anonymous because it's more fun. "Over the past six years we've screwed up the country so thoroughly it will be impossible for the Democrats to fix it. The country will reject the failed Democrat leadership just in time for the 2008 presidential elections.... and we will rule FOREVER!"

When he finished rubbing his hands together and laughing maniacally, the advisor cited several reasons for an inevitable Democrat meltdown:

  • Iraq is a permanent quagmire with no possible solution. The Bush Administration ran out of options after its request for a "do over" was rejected by the United Nations Security Council earlier this year.

  • Thanks to the White House's "Nukes for Kooks" campaign, Iraq and North Korea will soon have the capability to irradiate large portions of the planet.

  • There's no money left in the treasury. The $2 trillion in bullion stored in the vault at Fort Knox has been secretly replaced with chocolate bars wrapped in gold cellophane.

  • The country will be facing a critical shortage of prisons, as former Republican Congressional leaders come up for sentencing.

Brilliant last-minute maneuvering by the Republicans helped ensured the defeat. "That Foley thing was genius," he adds. "It had Karl Rove's fingerprints all over it."

When pressed for comment, President Bush merely said, "Quack quack -- quack-quack-quack-quack-quack," and limped off the stage.

Change Congress Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.