Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Bush Poll Numbers Not as Bad as They Look

New analysis shows strong support for president among megawealthy, mentally retarded

PR Newswire
28 February 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- Though recent polls show President Bush's approval ratings have dropped to a record low of 34 percent, such numbers are deceiving, says Dr. Ima Tool, senior pollster for the Bowtie Institute.

"Those polls don't take into account the economic and political power of the President's core supporters, some of whom make King Midas look like a welfare queen," says Tool, a fellow at the conservative think tank.

When poll results are weighted to reflect the wealth of each respondent -- so that the responses of the richest Americans count 18,000 times more than those of the poorest -- the President achieved a resounding 92 percent approval rating.

"The President continues to enjoy overwhelming support among households earning annual salaries of 8 figures or more, as well as those on the receiving end of Iraqi reconstruction contracts," he says.

Though President Bush did poorly among respondents who value competence, leadership, honesty, or intelligence -- garnering an approval rating of just 3 percent -- he scored extremely well among those who value the lack of disfiguring scars and an inability to do basic arithmetic, adds Tool.

The President also polled well among respondents who are married to at least one sibling, as well as those still willing to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

In the same polls, the vice president garnered approval ratings of just 18 percent -- making him the most reviled public figure in America since serial killer Charles Manson and actor Pauly Shore. However, when Dr. Tool adjusted the results to remove anyone related by blood or business ties to the vice president, Mr. Cheney became the first public figure in history to receive an approval rating of less than zero.

"Once again, the vice president breaks new ground," says Tool.

The same polls showed moderate support among key Bush constituencies for allowing US ports to be managed by the country of Dubai. However, when asked to pinpoint Dubai on a map, 47 percent of Bush Republicans pointed to Iowa.

About the Bowtie Institute:

The Bowtie Institute (BTI) provides in-depth analysis on issues of interest to conservatives, providing intellectual justification for policies that benefit the rich and powerful. Give us sufficient funds, and we’ll produce the facts you require.

The Bowtie Institute: Putting the Clothes on Naked Self Interest Since 2004

Monday, February 20, 2006

Vice President Receives Wave of Apologies

Shooting an attorney means never having to say you're sorry

Special to The WitList
20 February 2006 -- 16:45 GMT

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX -- Recovering gunshot victim Harry Whittington apologized for stepping in front of Dick Cheney's .28 gauge shotgun last week. The 78-year-old attorney said it wasn't the vice president's fault if Whittington was just a magnet for birdshot.

Whittington's admission of guilt caused other critics of the vice president to offer apologies of their own.

Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy apologized to the vice president for accidentally stepping in front of him as he fired off an insult in June 2004. Mr. Cheney's retort -- which suggested the senator perform an anatomically impossible act -- was actually aimed at a covey of schoolchildren that had been flushed from the Senate Gallery.

The news media offered an apology to the White House, saying it should have simply taken the word of designated eyewitness/spokeswoman Katherine Armstrong, even though she didn't actually witness the event in question and offered conflicting accounts. The media also said it would accept Fox News as the official conduit for all White House statements.

The people of Iraq offered a collective apology to the vice president for failing to greet the American troops as liberators. A spokesperson said being turned from a modern society into a medieval one overnight had dampened the Iraqis' enthusiasm, but it was really all their own fault parts of the country still had no electricity, clean water, or working toilets nearly three years after the invasion.

In a taped statement left at the offices of Al Jazeera, Iraq's insurgents apologized to the vice president for failing to stick to his timetable for withdrawal. The insurgents said they'd intended to wrap up operations last spring, but after the vice president declared the insurgency "in its final throes," some rebels vowed to keep fighting for another 10 years.

Inmates at Guantanamo Bay blame themselves for being incarcerated, tortured, and held for years without being charged with a crime. "We should not have been born Arabs," said one detainee between bouts of waterboarding. "That was stupid stupid stupid."

Finally, the vice president issued another apology, his second within the past 65 years, during which he apologized for apologizing.

"Seeing my reputation fall like that was one of the worst days of my life," Mr. Cheney admitted in a conversation with Fox anchor Brit Hume. "It was wrong to say I was wrong. It won't happen again."

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

All Dick, All the Time

As we enter day 347 of the Dick Cheney "I shot an attorney in my pajamas" controversy, I think there's one question on everyone's mind: When is Cheney going hunting with Scalia again? And could they please bring Thomas and Alito with them?

But that's not my only question. I have seven others I'd love someone out there in blogville to answer (because we know the vice president won't).

1. Texas authorities have revealed there was a third, as yet unnamed, shooter in the hunting party. Who was it? And did he fire from the book depository or the grassy knoll?

2. Is the mainstream media sinking its teeth into this story because a) our elected officials should be held accountable for their actions, b) they're fed up with the Bush administration's lies, or c) the story is so simple even reporters who spend too much time in front of blow dryers can understand it?

3. What kind of yahoos would consider it a "sport" to drive along in a motorcade and fire rounds of buckshot at tame defenseless birds? Wait, I guess we know the answer to that one. But couldn't they try and even the odds a little bit? The occasional landmine, for example, would spice things up.

4. If you, me, or the guy next door shot somebody, would we be able to get away with telling the cops to come back in the morning after we've sobered up and gotten our alibis straight? When did our elected officials stop being subject to US law enforcement?

5. Is anyone else creeped out by the knowledge that the vice president is followed at all times by an ambulance? I cannot shake the vision of a Snap-On Tools van with body organs arrayed like smoked meats in the window of a charcuterie. Get the torches and pitchforks ready, here comes FrankenVeep.

6. For more than 200 years, the vice president's job has been to a) maintain a pulse, and b) inquire after the health of the president. (I know this because I saw it on West Wing). When did the job of VP morph into all-powerful overlord? Wait, we know the answer to this one too: January 20, 2001 -- the day W got inaugurated.

7. Is there any force on earth that can compel Dick Cheney to a) admit guilt, b) take responsibility, or c) accept punishment for doing something wrong? In other words, is there anyone he can't say "Go f**k yourself" to? And if there isn't, what does that say about the state of our democracy?

Monday, February 13, 2006

Deadeye Dick Takes Aim at Terrorists

VP fires back at critics, elderly attorneys

Special to The Witlist
13 February 2006 -- 14:33 GMT

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX -- Vice President Richard "Deadeye Dick" Cheney took homeland security in his own hands over the weekend, shooting and wounding a suspected terrorist while hunting in the badlands of South Texas.

The would-be terrorist, 78-year-old Harry Whittington of Austin, sustained wounds to the face, neck and chest. Mr. Cheney, who is followed everywhere by a van full of replacement organs donated by GOP volunteers, was able to quickly call for medical assistance. Mr. Whittington is being treated at the Medical Center in Guantanamo Bay.

According to a vice presidential spokesperson, Cheney was hunting for wild mandarin ducks when the accident occurred.

"He didn't find any WMDs, but that doesn't mean they weren't out there," said the spokesperson. "We have reason to believe they had been shipped to Syria shortly before the vice president's arrival."

Mr. Whittington was in his last throes, added the spokesperson, which means he could hang on for years if not decades.

"We are encouraged by this turn of events," said conservative commentator Fred Barnes, editor of The Weekly Standard. "The Bush Administration has spent the last 12 months shooting itself in the foot, so shooting someone else is a major step forward."

Friday, February 10, 2006

Read His Lips [a rant]

It's a variation on an old joke: How can you tell President Bush is lying? Answer: His lips are moving.

We've just witnessed the unveiling of the Big Lie for 2006 -- that Bush has delivered us from evil -- and we're going to see a lot more of it before the year is out. This is an election year, after all, and the Rovepublicans have nothing else to run on.

(Other related lies: executive abuse of power is not only necessary in a time of war but a lot of fun, domestic spying is good for the economy, W plans to enroll in the Betty Ford Clinic for Oil Dependency, freedom is slavery, ignorance is truth, etc.)

The immediate goal of the Big Lie is to justify executive abuses of power (like the domestic spying program) while permanently enshrining the Patriot Act. Longer term is to rescue the midterm elections and (gulp) avoid weakening or even losing a majority in the House. Ultimate goal: permanent power and redlining the parts of the Constitution they don't like. And if this means having to make a fake anthrax threat or take credit for another country's intelligence work, well, Karl Rove has done worse.

Thus the big announcement about how the Bushies kept the "Liberty Building" in LA from being bombed four years ago. Bush isn't saying domestic spying helped them catch the bad guys; he's just letting people think it -- exactly what he did to conflate Saddam with 9/11. It worked then, it should work now, right?

According to a December 2005 Harris Poll, 22% of Americans still believe Saddam was behind the attacks, and 26% still think he had WMDs when we invaded. These are the same people who believe that pressing the button on their garage door openers makes them invisible, and for whom a hot Friday night involves huffing a bottle of Mr. Clean while reading a copy of Juggs.

Yet those numbers were closer to 70% before everything turned to camel dung in Iraq. That's when the mainstream media began to recover from the head injuries it suffered on 9/11 and stopped simply repeating everything the Bushies told them.

Now it's happening again. The Lie is getting a big push from headline writers, like those behind the AP story "Bush: US Surveillance helped stop attack." But if you ignore the headlines and actually read the news reports, Bush didn't say that. In fact, it's clear US spying had almost nothing to do with stopping the plot. An unnamed Southeast Asian country stumbled onto one of the potential bombers and arrested him. It wasn't until much later that the US realized the disaster it had managed to narrowly avoid.

The score so far:

Dumb Luck: 1
Police State: 0

Yet this is going to be the rationale we're going to hear through November: We need domestic spying and the Patriot Act to keep us safe. The Democrats are too wimpy to do it, only the Republicans have the cojones. Please please please re-elect us; we haven't finished draining the treasury yet.

It's the voices of Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, singing in perfect harmony, with their hands up W's ass. It's a ventriloquist act, only in this case it's the dummy's lips that move. And it might just fool enough people to work -- again.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

NSA Runs Out of Americans to Spy on

Agency begins search for more surveillance subjects

Special to The WitList
9 February 2006 - 15:25 GMT

FORT MEADE, MD -- The National Security Agency has admitted that its domestic spying activities have reached an impasse.

The super secret agency has been embroiled in controversy since December, when the New York Times revealed it had been eavesdropping on an unknown number of American citizens without a warrant. The spying program was created in response to a secret order issued by President Bush following the 9/11 attacks.

However, sources inside the NSA say its domestic spying activities have trickled down to practically nothing as it has run out of people to wiretap.

The agency exhausted its list of actual terrorists in early 2002, say the sources. At that point it began surveilling Americans who were friends with terrorists, then those who were merely casual acquaintances, and then finally those who ate at the same restaurants, shopped at the same stores, or belonged to the same gym. More recently, the agency had begun spying on Americans who could correctly spell the word "Jihad."

"We've got billions earmarked for domestic spying and nobody to spend it on," said an NSA spooksperson, who spoke on the condition that he could tell us his name, but then he'd have to kill us.

"It's just so boring listening to the same conversations about what people ate for dinner last night or why they broke up with their boyfriends," he added. "The agency has lost a lot of good men over this."

During the past month the NSA has been placing personals ads in newspapers seeking surveillance subjects. The WitList has obtained a copy of one such ad, which appears to be modeled after "The Pina Colada Song":

If you like pita felafel
And putting bombs onto planes
If you watch Al Jazeera
Or you've been to Bahrain
If your head's always covered
In the heat of the sun
Please respond to this message
And we'll know you're the one

The NSA spooksperson says it's too early to gauge how well the ads are working, but the agency remains hopeful.

"We know they're out there somewhere," he said. "Someday our princes will come."

Friday, February 03, 2006

White House Creates New Federal Agency

Special to CNN
3 February 2006 -- 18:57 GMT

WASHINGTON, DC -- The White House announced the creation of a new federal agency today to deal exclusively with the high volume of controversy engulfing the Bush Administration.

Beginning immediately, the new Office of Scandal Management (OSM) will handle all inquiries regarding Jack Abramoff, the aftermath of Katrina, domestic spying, forged documents, missing emails, PlameGate, the prescription drug debacle, money laundering, insider trading, influence peddling, bribery, corruption, and the sexual proclivities of the Bush twins.

"We just can't keep our cover stories straight anymore," admits a senior White House official who spoke on condition of anonymity. " 'Nobody knew about it,' 'everybody else did it,' 'we had Congressional authority to do it,' 'we don't need Congressional authority to do it'... Unless we do something drastic, we're in danger of releasing real information to the public or -- God help us -- actually cooperating with a Senate investigation. "

The OSM will be temporarily housed in the Ronald Reagan Building until new offices can be constructed in Lafayette Park, directly across the street from the White House. The new building will be surrounded by a stonewall 12 feet high, and will feature a briefing room constructed on a platform of ball bearings, enabling it to spin 360 degrees.

The OSM will also oversee the creation of a new group designed to react quickly to stories criticizing the Bush Administration. The Strategic Media Emergency Action Response team, or SMEAR, will respond by questioning the critic's patriotism, parentage, or personal sanity. The group plans to devote an entire wing of the new building to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

The OSM has been actively searching for a director for several months, but has yet to identify a suitable candidate, says the official.

"We can't afford to just hand this job off to one of the usual suspects," he says. "This time we're looking for somebody competent."

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