Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Four Years Ago Today....

I started this blog as a way to keep myself sane after George W. Bush's "re-election" over John Kerry. How someone who was technically never elected in the first place can get re-elected is beyond me, but that's all history now.

It began by tracking the efforts to recount the vote in Ohio, and then morphed into a tool of satire and the occasional rant. I'd not really intended to keep doing it for four years, and it lay fallow for many months before this election season.

Yesterday, for the first time in my adult life, I got to vote FOR a candidate I believe in, instead of AGAINST a candidate I could not abide. Not Kerry, not Gore, not Clinton (twice), not Dukakis (whom I did not vote for), not Mondale (ditto) or Carter (tritto). Even better: He won. Who'd have predicted that?

It's a happy day here at The WitList. But I don't see any need to shut this sucker down. I expect the wingnuts to lick their wounds and come roaring back. I expect them to do everything in their power to subvert any change Obama may try to bring. In short, I expect them to be the flaming assholes they've always been. And that's always good material for a satirist.

But for now, time to rest and enjoy the end of the Bush Era. May we never see another like him.

-- Dan Tynan

My Post Election Memo

(With apologies to Michael Moore, as I feel like I'm channeling him here.)

To John McCain

Dear John:

I'd like to say you fought a valiant campaign, but that would be lying. And we've had too much of that lately. For the past 12 months we've seen the evil, petty, nasty John McCain, while the straight-talkin' independent-thinking “maverick” was bound and gagged in an undisclosed location under the RNC headquarters.

Last night's concession speech was gracious and eloquent; a hopeful sign the good McCain may have finally returned. But after this year's nasty, vicious, erratic display, we feel very lucky you're going home to one of your 8 9 10 11 houses.

To Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah:

You know, it was real swell meeting you. I mean, gosh. You just lit up the national scene like a fire on a oil spill. The way you whipped up all those “real” Americans -- the mouth breathers, the wife beaters, the sixth grade dropouts with a grudge. It was a real slice of life. Just the opportunity to see Todd in a suit was worth it.

Now you can go back to staring at Russia from your backyard. And when you run in 2012, you can claim to have four years of foreign policy experience.

But feel free to keep all the clothes. I'm sure you'll find somewhere to wear them in Wasilla. You betcha.

PS: You're much hotter than Tina Fey... NOT.

Joe The Plumber

Dear Joe:

You know the old saying about opinions being like assholes? Your 15 minutes are up, asshole. Time to go back to fixing leaky cesspools instead of being one.

To the Democrats

Dear Eeyore:

Congratulations! It was an historic victory. You kicked ass. Well done.

Now it's time to go back to doing what you do best: fighting amongst yourselves. Or maybe you might try governing for a change. Just a thought.

To the Republicans

Dear Dumbo:

Don't think of this as a defeat. Think of it as payback for eight years of arrogance, ignorance, and unmitigated greed. The all-you-can-eat pork barrel bar is now closed. I hope y'all have good lawyers.

The good news? You can go back to doing what you do best: attacking those in power and claiming you'd be doing a much better job. As if.

To the Next President of the United States

Dear Barack:

You're brilliant, inspiring, and massively articulate. You've got a beautiful family and an army of adoring followers. You're skinny and have a wicked jump shot. We all want to be you. Hell, even Michael Jordan wants to be you.

But we wouldn't want your new job. You'll inherit the most daunting challenge faced by any new president since Lincoln. Two wars and a looming depression; staggering debt, a Constitution in shreds, and a sharply divided people who have lost faith in government's ability to do anything good. Got any more miracles left? We'll need em.

To the Real Real Americans

Dear Friends:

You did the right thing. You turned out in numbers so overwhelming nobody dared steal this one. You worked hard and opened your wallets in unprecedented numbers. After eight long years in the desert, you deserve to savor this.

Done yet? Because now it's time to double down. We have a serious mess on our hands and Barack needs your help. The real work is only just beginning.



Sunday, November 02, 2008

McCain Picks up Key Last Minute Endorsements

Krueger, Crypt Keeper, sign on to Republican cause

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

WASHINGTON, DC -- Following Dick Cheney's rousing endorsement of John McCain for president last weekend, a number of the vice president's colleagues have come out in favor of Senator McCain during the waning moments of the campaign.

Austin Powers nemesis Dr. Evil says he can think of "a MILLION reasons" why people should vote for McCain. (He later revised this to "a BILLION reasons.") However, diminutive sidekick Mini Me said he's voting for Ron Paul as a write-in candidate. It's a height thing, Me explained.

The International Union of Evil Doers has been running a phone bank during the last week of the campaign, urging Americans to ignore their better history and focus on their more genocidal tendencies, says Lex Luthor, spokes-villain for the organization.

"Real Americans know that when you live in the greatest country on earth it's OK to be small minded, bigoted, and hateful," noted Luthor.

Freddy Krueger, of Nightmare on Elm Street fame, says he also favors the GOP. Though technically not corporeal, Krueger says he would be able to vote if someone falls asleep inside a voting booth and dreams of him.

The Crypt Keeper, currently retired and living in Florida, said he always looked up to John McCain as a kind of spiritual older brother. The GOP ticket also picked up endorsements from Cruella da Ville, Darth Vader, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and Voldemort.

In related news: Former Enemy No. 1 Osama Bin Laden has emerged from hiding to explain the lack of an October Surprise video during this election cycle. Poll watchers had been eagerly anticipating Bin Laden's quadrennial effort to scare the U.S. electorate into voting Republican. Speaking through his publicist,  Bin Laden said, 'We ran the numbers and just didn't see the ROI. I don't think even I could swing this thing for McCain. Talk to me again in 2012."

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