Tuesday, August 30, 2005

US to Adopt New Iraqi Constitution

by Rob Coddry
Associated Press

WASHINGTON, DC -- Hailing Iraq’s newly drafted constitution as a “document of which the Iraqis and the rest of the world can be proud,” President George W. Bush has announced his intention of replacing the United States Constitution with one modeled on the Iraqi document, effectively immediately.

“When it comes to fundamentalist theocracies, we think the Iraqis got it just right,” said White House spokes-imam Scott McClelland. Modifying the Iraqi draft was “super easy,” he added. “We just opened it in a word processor and did a search and replace —“Christianity” for “Islam,” “Bible” for “Koran,” “God’s will” for “Sharia” -- it took maybe five minutes.”

McClelland acknowledged that under the new constitution women would enjoy fewer rights, but said this would be offset by rapid declines in the divorce rate and the number of teen pregnancies.

He added that Condoleezza Rice could continue in her position as Secretary of State, provided she keeps her head covered at all times and agrees to regular beatings by her male relatives.

McClelland said Mr. Bush will retain the title of President, while Vice President Dick Cheney will assume the role of Grand Ayatollah. Cheney immediately issued a fatwa calling for the death of anyone who opposes the new regime.

Non-Christians, who would continue to have “full religious rights” under the constitution but no political rights, warned that the new laws would result in a long and bloody civil war.

But Ayatollah Pat Robertson said such a conflict could have a cleansing effect on the nation. “Finally we will have the opportunity to strike down the infidels and flay them like dogs,” he said.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

War Is Hell – But Justifying It Is Even Harder

White House Wonks Work Feverishly on Reasons for War

By Dan Broomkin
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, August 26, 2005; Page A05

WASHINGTON DC, Aug. 26 -- It could pass for any DC office. Clean-cut college graduates with rolled-up sleeves hustle between cubicles lit by the glow of computer screens. Eager young men and women huddle around conference tables to debate ideas while graybeards with thinning hair watch with approval.

But these are no ordinary Beltway policy wonks. Their mission? To generate fresh new rationales for the war in Iraq. And with public approval for the war at its lowest ebb, their job is getting tougher by the minute.

The Executive Armed Response White House Iraq Group – or EARWHIG – was formed during the early days of the Bush Administration as a small task force inside Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz’s office. But after September 11, 2001, everything changed.

“After 9/11 we got our own stationery—you know, the fancy, embossed kind,” says Dick Richards, a member of the original task force. “They moved us to the Reagan Building and began staffing up like crazy.”

Now the group’s more than 600 employees face the increasingly difficult task of fabricating arguments to justify a war the US public no longer wants.

Executive Director Bob Roberts waxes nostalgic for the days when a gullible public and a compliant mass media made warmongering almost pleasurable.

“‘Weapons of mass destruction’ was a thing of beauty,” says Roberts. “It had everything -- an easy-to-remember acronym, a bad guy with a big black mustache, and of course it scared the hell out of people. Too bad it wasn’t true.”

Since then, drumming up reasons for the war has become much more difficult. “Before March 2003 we had time to run focus groups and really refine our approach,” says Roberts. “Now we’re in high production mode, churning out new ideas as fast as we can.”

He quickly ticked off a list of arguments EARWHIG has generated over the past three years.

  • Saddam Hussein had ties to the 9/11 attackers. “We figured they were all dead, so who would know? We didn’t actually expect anyone to check.”

  • We need to fight them over there so they won’t attack us over here. “The old ‘flypaper strategy’” he notes. “Turns out they were pretty good at attacking us over here. Should have seen that one coming, I guess.”

  • Toppling Iraq will bring stability to the Middle East. “Frankly, nobody here could say that one with a straight face, but Paul [Wolfowitz] insisted.”

  • The war will bring a secular democracy to Iraq that will guarantee the rights of women and minorities and serve as a model for other Middle Eastern states. “The new Iraq constitution just blew that one to bits,” he shrugs. “What can you do?”

  • If we leave now, then the deaths of American soldiers in Iraq will have been meaningless. “An oldie but a goodie,” notes Roberts. “Countries have been using that one since Harold at the Battle of Hastings.”

Roberts says it’s too early to see how the last argument, unveiled by President Bush during a speech earlier this week, will play with the public. Meanwhile, the work continues.

“We can’t slow down for a second,” he says. “Some of these arguments have a shelf life of less than a week.”

Roberts says his group is even considering a radical shift toward honesty. “Our latest one is, ‘Let’s face it: we need the oil.’ It might work.”

So far, nothing else has.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Pat Robertson Issues Updated List of Commandments

23 August 2005 – 12:23 GMT

AP -- Following his controversial statement calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, TV evangelist Pat Robertson has issued a modified version of the 10 commandments.

“After a long and careful consultation with the Creator, we have decided that there are now only 9 commandments,” said the former US presidential candidate.

The new list of God’s laws omits commandment #6, Thou Shalt Not Kill.

On his TV show “The 700 Club,” Rev. Pat Robertson called for the US to assassinate President Chavez, who has vigorously opposed US policy in Latin America.

"If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it," Robertson said to a televised audience. "We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability.

In an interview with Fox News, Robertson explained that when God wrote the 10 Commandments He hadn’t invented oil yet. (Venezuela provides 10 percent of US petroleum imports.)

“I am sure that in His infinite wisdom He would have made an exception for leaders of oil-producing nations that disagree with US national policy,” noted the Reverend.

Robertson says he still vigorously opposes killing unborn babies, people in a persistent vegetative state, or anyone who’s contributed at least $100 to his television ministry.

Robertson said God told him He would consider reinstating the sixth commandment with modified language, such as ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.... Unless Killing Serves a Greater Good.’ Robertson says the definition of ‘greater good’ would be determined by himself and a select group of presidential advisers.

Robertson also expressed doubts about commandments #7 (adultery) and #9 (false witness), but declined to modify those at this time.

“We all make mistakes, and God is no different,” said Robertson. “He made us in His image, remember?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Second Coming Marred by Conservative Smear Campaign

Jesus Called Anti-American for Opposing Iraq War

16 August 2005 13:28 GMT

CNN -- Jesus Christ came to earth yesterday to oppose the war in Iraq and urge all mankind to follow the path of peace. He was immediately attacked by conservative pundits as anti-American.

Appearing at a hastily organized press conference near Mount Ararat, the King of Kings returned to many of the themes of his legendary Sermon on the Mount, delivered nearly 2000 years ago.

Flanked by a small entourage of angels, Jesus asked humanity to judge not, lest they be judged; to do unto others as we would have them do unto us; and to love our enemies as ourselves. He warned against following false prophets and urged his followers to acquire their riches in heaven, not on earth.

Appearing on Fox News, Weekly Standard executive editor Fred Barnes called the sandal-clad prophet “a crackpot. Healing the sick, feeding the poor. Who does he think he is?”

Other conservatives claimed the speech was motivated by political concerns, not unconditional love.

“He’s just a pawn of the same left-wing machine that spawned Michael Moore and Move-on dot org,” declared conservative blogger Michelle Malkin, drinking the blood from a freshly killed kitten. “He’s not what I would call a Christian.”

The Reverand Pat Robertson declared the visitor an imposter. “I know Jesus Christ. I’ve met Him many times,” said the TV evangelist and one-time presidential hopeful. “This man is no Jesus Christ.”

In his column in Slate, liberal gadly turned conservative fluffer Christopher Hitchens wrote, “I dare say this so-called savior, this layabout in loincloth, has the moral authority of Demeter’s serpent. ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself?’ What dreary sentimental piffle.”

Jesus said he hoped to come to the United States so he could personally deliver a message of peace to President Bush. However, an official from the Department of Homeland Security said Jesus would not be allowed into the country, as his name was on a terrorist watchlist.

Monday, August 15, 2005

A Day in the Life of GW Bush

The President’s Daily Dairy – August 15, 2005

08:00 Get up. Watch Teletubbies. Mommy has gotten new cereal for breakfast -- Frankenberries. Eat three bowls.

09:00 Receive morning briefing from Dick and Rummy. Dick says the insurgency in Iraq is in its last throes. Ask Dick what “throes” means. He explains the Iraqi people have been throwing things at our troops, and now that their arms are tired they don’t throw as many things anymore. I like Dick.

10:00 Morning energy briefing. Oil prices have reached new all-time high. Call Prince Bandar to congratulate him and his family. Sign bill giving more tax breaks to encourage oil exploration.

10:30 Go for bike ride. Mommy has gotten me a new bell.

11:30 Leave ranch in long black car. Strange people are camping outside the ranch. They hold up signs. Mommy reads them for me. She tells me the signs say “We hate America.” I don’t like these people.

12:00 Go to cookout at neighbor’s yard. Eat hot dogs. Talk to people I don’t know who seem to really like me. Collect $2 million.

14:00 Return to ranch. Bad people are still camping out and holding signs. They yell things. I start to roll down the window to spit at them but Mommy stops me.

14:30 Nappy.

16:30 Wake from nap. Mommy changes sheets.

16:45 Karl calls. Mommy tells him I’m still napping. She says I can’t play with him anymore because of something called a ‘special prosecutor’. I want to play with Karl. I don’t like the special prosecutor.

17:00 Rub the head of small black child for luck.

17:30 Dinner. We’re having fish sticks with macaroni and cheese and rocky road ice cream for dessert. Yumm.

19:00 Briefing with Department of State. Condi is teaching me new words. She makes me repeat things like “Iran not Iraq, Iran not Iraq.” It’s a fun game. I like Condi.

19:30 Movie time. Tonight we’re watching “Harry Potter.” I hope it’s not too scary.

21:30 Put on jammies, brush teeth. Pray that people camped outside go to the bad place that Dick and Rummy built for all the terrorists.

22:00 Mommy tucks me in. Sweet dreams.

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