The WitList: January 2009

Dan Tynan
Senior correspondent, The WitList

Disguised as Fox News' Brit Hume, I gained access to the vice president's secret lair and managed to obtain an exclusive interview. Here is a transcript of our conversation.

Mr. Vice President, first let me thank you for giving me a few moments of your time.

You're welcome, Brit.

Now that your administration is almost over, are there any state secrets you can reveal?

Well there is one. We had a secret underground railway built between the White House and the Capitol. We put the vice president's office on it, so it could move between the legislative and executive branches at will. It was based on the old MX missile system.

That way the terrorists – and by terrorists I mean the United States Congress – would never know what branch I was in at any given moment. I have to say it worked beautifully.

What do you remember most about 9/11?

How hard it was to convince the Secret Service to keep Bush on Air Force One so I could do what was best for the country. We had a few extra guests at Guantanamo after that episode, I can tell you that.

You mean you ran the country on that day?

And every one since.

Isn't that unconstitutional?

No it's entirely constitutional. The 25^th Amendment clearly states that if the president is incapacitated the vice president shall immediately assume the powers and duties of the office. I mean, look at the man. He was incapacitated at birth. If they didn't let him wear loafers he'd never leave the White House. Someone had to take over.

So how is the war on terror going?

Very well, thanks. After the Berlin Wall fell, we in DC struggled for years to find an enemy worthy of the Soviet Union and Communism – something that could justify the vast quantities of cash spent on defense contracts and surveillance infrastructure. Then 9/11 came. Boom. Perpetual endless war.

I mean, a bunch of Omar Sharif wannabes take over some planes using box cutters and now the entire country is held hostage, possibly for decades. How brilliant is that?

Since then we've managed to keep it going -- doing nothing of any substance in Afghanistan, spending billions on recruitment efforts in Iraq, and doing everything in our power to make the Arab world hate us. I'd say that's working out extremely well.

And of course, in a time of war, the vice president's powers are supreme. That was a nice bonus

Proudest accomplishments?

I personally managed to overrule the Geneva Convention restrictions and reinstate torture as an official policy. I got rid of those silly 4^th Amendment restrictions on illegal search and seizure. We were able to abduct people and hold them prisoner for years without ever charging them with a crime. We tapped the phones of millions of ordinary Americans. Nobody in Congress said squat. The pussies.

Let's see... intimidating my political enemies, stonewalling investigations, avoiding hostile media outlets – and, really, accountability of any kind -- redirecting billions of Iraq war funds to my close personal associates. That was all good.

During our eight years in office there was not a single Martian invasion. I think that record speaks for itself.

Also, I got to tell Senator Patrick Leahy to go fuck himself. That was fun.

Any regrets?

I do regret shooting my friend Harry in the face. That was an accident. Other than that, well, there are plenty of people in Washington I wouldn't mind going quail hunting with, if you know what I mean.

Any final words of wisdom, as you leave office?

Leaving? Who says I'm leaving?

On January 21, when Joe Biden assumes the office of vice president.

[evil grin]