First Daughters Resign

Jenna and Barbara to shave Bush from last name

Special to the WitList
27 August 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- Citing a desire to spend less time with their family, Jenna and Barbara Bush have resigned their positions as official White House Twins, effectively immediately.

A White House spokesperson stressed that the twins' departure was in no way related to the recent resignations of Karl Rove, Tony Snow, and Alberto Gonzales. The official said several factors contributed to the girls' decision, including Jenna's impending marriage and Barbara's lifelong desire to party with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

“We look forward to no longer being the object of Republican frat boy fantasies,” said former first daughter Barbara in an unprepared statement. “And there's no need for us to be pixieish and cute anymore now that Dad's no longer running for anything.” As she spoke, she formed the letter “L” with her thumb and forefinger.

The twins will be replaced on an interim basis by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen until a new pair of First Daughters can be approved by the Senate.

Former senior policy advisor Rove has not made his future plans public. However, Gonzales announced today he will be joining cholo punk band Manic Hispanic on their upcoming world tour.

The high-level departures leave Vice President Dick Cheney as the last close Bush advisor remaining in the administration. The vice president, who was reported to be in a secure location somewhere beneath the Washington Monument, issued a statement through his press secretary.

“The vice president has no plans to resign,” the spokesperson said. “And if anyone tries to make him, he wants you to know that he's got a thermonuclear weapon and knows how to use it.”

Top 10 Reasons Karl Rove Quit

(with apologies to David Letterman)

10. He's planning to join David Lee Roth on the next Van Halen tour.

9. He's about to be indicted for operating a dog fighting ring behind the Rose Garden.

8. He wanted to spend more time suppressing the black vote.

7. It was only a matter of time until Dick Cheney shot him in the face.

6. His boss wouldn't give him time off to attend Gay Day at Disney World.

5. Having failed to build a permanent majority of Republicans over here, he's looking to build a permanent majority of terrorists over there.

4. Two words: Sex change.

3. Wanted to get out while Bush popularity ratings still in double digits.

2. If you'd had your hand inside another man's ass for 14 years, you'd be ready to quit too.

And the number one reason Karl Rove quit:

1. Osama made him a better offer.