Spitzer Admits to Hiring Prostitutes, Using Hair Plugs

Major announcement expected today regarding 'Escortgate'

Special to the WitList
11 March 2008

ALBANY, NY – Embattled New York governor Eliott Spitzer has called a press conference today where he is expected to discuss allegations he paid employees of a elite escort service $4,300 to polish his andirons.

The WitList has learned that Spitzer plans to switch political parties.

“Ever since I was a little boy, it has been a dream of mine to pay a prostitute $4,300 an hour to finger my flute,” Spitzer said, in a prepared statement leaked to the press. “I know now that this was wrong. Therefore I am pursuing the only course left to me, by resigning my position as leader of the Democratic party in New York and re-registering as a Republican.”

An aide to Spitzer said joining the GOP was a necessary legal requirement before Spitzer could declare himself an alcoholic, enter rehab, and call on Jesus to help him through this personal crisis.

Spitzer's aide refused to elaborate on exactly how much pleasure one can obtain for $72 a minute, but vowed that the next time the Governor felt an overwhelming urge to have his axle greased, he would stick to soliciting men in public toilets or sending lewd text messages to underage boys.

Until his public admission yesterday, Spitzer was identified as “Client #9” in the FBI's sting operation of the Emperor's Club escort service. Federal agents listened in on more than 5,000 phone calls and text messages and read more than 6,000 emails in their investigation. Vice president Dick Cheney hailed the wiretapping effort, noting that “those who oppose this program want the terroristitutes to win.”

In response, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's campaign quietly erased Gov. Spitzer's endorsement from its Web site and released another in its series of “red phone” advertisements.

“It's 3 AM, and your husband has just been caught with a highly paid prostitute,” the ad begins. “Who do you want answering the phone?” The ad goes on to claim that of the all presidential candidates, only Senator Clinton has the experience to deal with such issues.