Alberto 'Gonzo' Gonzales Shines in Senate Appearance

Attorney General's testimony gives hope to Alzheimers victims

24 April 2007
Special to the WitList

WASHINGTON, DC -- Alberto Gonzales returned to his office yesterday after a triumphant appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee last week. The Attorney General's rousing testimony included 55 responses where he could not recall events that had happened a few months prior, and others where he directly contradicted testimony he had presented earlier to the same committee.

“That kind of performance guarantees you a job for life in this town,” declared President Bush, referring to Gonzales by his White House nickname, the Panicked Hispanic. With only 6 of the nation's 49 Republican senators calling for Gonzales to step down, Bush termed the performance “a resounding success.”

Gonzales spent weeks preparing for his testimony, listening to countless renditions of the Peter Gabriel song, “I don't remember, I don't recall, I got no memory of anything at all.”

When probed about former U.S. Attorney David Inglesias, who was fired after failing to prosecute New Mexican Democrats on the eve of the 2006 elections, Gonzales replied, “Dave's not here man,” a reference to the popular Cheech and Chong routine of the early 1970s. During a 20-minute interrogation by New York Senator Charles Schumer, Gonzalez responded by performing his impersonation of beloved Hispanic stereotype, Jose Jimenez.

Of the eight U.S. Attorneys fired last fall, four had been investigating crimes allegedly committed by the White House's Republican allies. Two others were faulted for not mounting prosecutions against Democrats, despite a lack of evidence to support the charges.

White House insiders say the U.S. Attorney purge was merely an effort to bring political balance to our nation's minimum security prisons. “We were trying to achieve a more bipartisan inmate population,” the source said. “We're hoping to reach through the bars to the Democrats in the other cells.”

Cheney Limbaugh in 2008!

Could Dick Cheney follow in the footsteps of the last two-term Republican vice president? At least one major New York City newspaper thinks so. Among unannounced, potential 2008 presidential candidates "the one that who [sic] would bring the most to the race is Vice President Cheney," writes New York City's daily newspaper The Sun in an editorial. -- RawStory

WASHINGTON, DC -- Calling presidential elections “a quaint but outdated ritual,” Vice President Richard Cheney declared his intention to assume the presidency in 2008, following the end of President George W. Bush's current term.

“If elected I shall serve, and if not elected I shall also serve. And if you don't like it, you can all go ...well, you know the rest,” Cheney said in a news conference held in a secret bunker somewhere below Washington, DC.

According to recent polls, the vice president enjoys an approval rating of 18%, placing his popularity slightly behind Dr. Jack Kevorkian (22%) and just ahead of hemorrhoids (14%).

Cheney declined to name prospective vice presidential candidates, but indicated that right-wing radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh and Fox News personality Sean Hannity were “strong contenders.”

Sources inside the VP's office said a Cheney cabinet could include Katherine Harris as Secretary of State, former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling as National Security Advisor, and Ann Coulter as Ambassador to the United Nations.

Cheney said his first two acts as president would be to pardon all of the Republicans currently behind bars and to launch immediate nuclear strikes against Damascus, Tehran, and Boston, Massachusetts.

“We've got 10,635 nuclear warheads,” he growled. “Nobody's going to miss three or four of them.”

The vice president dismissed concerns about his health, stating that 72% of his internal organs had already been replaced by genetically engineered implants that will allow him to live – and rule – until the year 2038.