White House Officials Say Terrorists More Dangerous Than Ever

But assures us Bush Administration has made us safer

Special to The WitList
30 August 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- The White House continued its media blitz today in an effort to obscure coverage of the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.

In a speech before a VFW convention on Monday, Vice President Dick Cheney declared that as bad as things in Iraq are, they could probably get worse -- and that it was all Ned Lamont's fault.

The next day, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld told the American Legion that Democrats are pansies, and only the Republican Party has the will to manufacture a terrorist threat where there was none and then fight it until a once stable country collapses into total chaos.

Meanwhile, the White House plans a gala extravaganza to mark the five-year anniversary of the attacks of 9/11. The $40 million memorial will feature a Texas-style barbecue on the White House Lawn, followed by a $10,000 a plate fundraising appearance by the president and 15 seconds of silence.

"9/11 was a tragedy for America, but it's been pretty good to us," said RNC chairman Ken Mehlman.

Mehlman admitted that Vice President Cheney briefly considered shooting someone else in the face to grab headlines, but denied rumors it paid John Mark Karr to confess to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey. Karr, whose media hysteria rating has been downgraded from Red (child kidnapper/killer) to orange (garden variety perv) was unavailable for comment. Representatives of Mr. Karr reported that he was currently in California, confessing to the Lindbergh kidnapping and the murder of actress Sharon Tate.

In other news: The Department of Homeland Security has boosted the terror threat level to Really Dark Red with Scary Black Lines Running Through It, causing panic at the nation's airports. A plane bound for Los Angeles yesterday was diverted to Cincinnati today after a passenger was allegedly overheard saying he wanted to 'kill the president'. Witnesses later confirmed the passenger actually said, 'I spilled my breath mints.'

George Allen's Blues (aka 'The Macaca Song')

(sung to the tune of 'The Rapper,' for those of you old enough to remember)

There goes that darkie, he's stealing my car keys
No wait, he's just taping one of my campaign stops
Watch while I taunt him, it'll be big fun
What can he do? Cry for help, Call the cops?

Mac-a-mac-a-mac
He called him 'macaca'
Crack crack crack
But he's just a cracker

Welcome to my state, isn't it just great
To be living for free and collecting welfare
You say you were born here and your name is Siddartha?
The borders would be closed now if I had my way

Mac-a-mac-a-mac
He called him 'macaca'
Crack crack crack
But he's just a cracker

My dad coached the Redskins, he was a big man
A friend of Dick Nixon with connections galore
And plenty of money. In what other country
Can a ofay like me be called Senator?

Mac-a-mac-a-mac
He called him 'macaca'
Crack crack crack
But he's just a cracker

The White House was calling, but my numbers are falling
That job should have been mine by 2009
Now that brown monkey, Webb's video flunky,
Has screwed me big time out of my destiny

Mac-a-mac-a-mac
He called him 'macaca'
Crack crack crack
But he's just a cracker

Senator Allen Says He's Sorry... Again

Apologizies for racist comments he denies making

Special to The WitList
24 August 2006

MT VERNON, VA -- Senator George Allen (R-Virginia) issued another in an ongoing series of apologies today as his re-election campaign attempts to recover from allegations of racism.

Allen was captured on videotape last week calling Democratic campaign worker S. R. Sidarth a 'macaca,' or monkey, and then welcoming him to America. Sidarth is of Indian descent but was born in Virginia.

Today, Allen admitted to occasionally using other racial slurs in casual conversation. He apologized to Senator Barack Obama for calling him a jigaboo, jungle bunny, biscuit lips, Sambo, chicken bandit, darkie, ghetto hamster, an Africoon American, and "Senator Buckwheat Bambooma."

Allen also apologized for calling Senator Hillary Clinton a "rug-munching bull dyke," and for attempting to hire former HUD Secretary Henry Cisneros to mow his lawn.

Allen's campaign manager Dick Wadhams claimed the use of such terms merely indicates that Senator Allen maintains a colorful vocabulary. He then blamed the liberal media for reporting what the Senator actually said instead of what he felt inside his heart.

In a survey of Virginia voters likely to vote Republican, 42% said they support Allen despite his racist comments, 37% support him because of his racist comments, and 21% said they wished he'd return to his former job as coach of the Washington Redskins.

Good Bye Joe! (a song)

Sung to the tune of "Jambalaya (On the Bayou)"

Good bye Joe, you gotta go, mi-oh my-oh
You gotta go just like that schmoe Ney from Ohio
Cunningham, Katherine Harris, and Delay-oh
One day soon all W's goons are gonna pay-oh

You ran with Gore, that's for sure, and we're grateful
But this whoring for the war is kind of hateful
The attack on Iraq was just shameful
And 'al Queda's candidate'? We've had a plateful

Move aside, Joe it's time, that's for damned sure
That's the word heard from Hawaii to New Hampshire
Ned took a stand, he's our man, that should end it
You blew it on Iraq, now don't defend it

G.O.P, R-N-C, that's your new home
With the chickenhawks and jarheads, that's where they roam
You got kissed, 'George's bitch' is your new name
Let Rumsfeld, Rice or Cheney be your new flame

Good bye Joe, you gotta go, mi-oh my-oh
You gotta go just like that schmoe Ney from Ohio
Cunningham, Katherine Harris, and Delay-oh
One day soon all W's goons are gonna pay-oh

(With apologies to the late Hank Williams.)

Toys for the Republican in Your Home

Just in time for the holiday shopping and election season, GOPco (a division of Permanent Majority Inc.) presents these exciting new toys:

Tom Delay's Whack-a-Mole: Whack Tom over the head in Texas, and he pops up in Virginia. Sure to delight children of all ages while teaching them valuable lessons in geography and politics. Comes with its own special Hammer.

Rock 'em Sock 'em Joebots. These battling Joe Liebermans can never be defeated. Knock his block off, and he gets back up and declares himself an independent. Available in red, rose, crimson, scarlet, or puce.

Bob Ney Hand Puppet: Stick your hand up this Ohio Congressman's behind and he'll say anything you tell him to. Enjoy hours of fun slandering your enemies and promoting friends' business interests in the Congressional Record. Order yours now before he's indicted!

Jack in the Box: In this new version of the classic wind-up toy, Jack Abramoff pops up to implicate yet another elected official in the K-Street lobbying scandal. Available in black-and-white stripes or Federal orange.

Growing-Up Kathy: This life-sized Katherine Harris action figure is one of a kind. Pull her string and watch as she denies all allegations and fires her latest campaign manager. Made from 100% recycled trash. Limit: One per planet.

G.I. George: This action toy comes with several smart-looking military outfits but no gun. So you can dress him up, but he won't fight -- the perfect gift for the chickenhawk in your family. Built-in voicebox includes such sayings as "Mission Accomplished," "As they stand up, we'll stand down," and "He can run, but he cannot hide."

The Wincheney 73: Play big-time water fowl hunter with this air rifle, an exact replica of one used by the Vice President. Order now and you'll receive for no extra charge the Dick Cheney Bird Call: "Go Duck Yourself!" (not suitable for minors)

Fox Network Announces New Fall Lineup

New shows to merge entertainment with conservative values

Special to The WitList
5 August 2006

In an effort to spread the successful Fox News strategy to its entertainment division, the Fox Broadcasting Company has announced additions to its fall lineup that it hopes will appeal directly to the 35 percent of Americans who can't tell the difference between George W. Bush and Homer Simpson. Here's what the new shows will look like.

Who Wants to Spread Democracy?

In this reality series, six strangers are thrown together into a situation room at the Pentagon. Their mission: to overthrow a small oil-rich nation and install a US friendly government. They have just six weeks to fabricate a rationale for war, draw up plans, and declare victory. Anyone who opposes them will be voted off the planet.

Freaks and Dekes

Delta Kappa Epsilon president George wakes up after a big blowout to suddenly find himself president of the country. In episode one, George holds a kegger on the White House lawn while his wise-yet-wacky vice president tries to keep the country running. George responds with his trademark catch phrase, "I'm the leader of the free world -- chill, dude."

Scared Straight II

A reprise of the landmark 1970's TV series that tried to straighten out wayward youth by showing them the horrors of prison. In this newly updated version, gay youth are kidnapped and converted to God's only true form of love by being shown the horrors of homosexuality. Hosted by the Reverend James C. Dobson.

The Compassionate Conservatives

Lovely Ann Coulter and jolly Rush Limbaugh star as The Himmlers, a successful suburban couple in West Palm Beach. In the first episode, hilarity ensues when a black family tries to move into the neighborhood. Ann organizes the PTA into a lynch mob, while Rush tries to cop some "Oxy" from their teenage son. Katherine Harris guest stars.

In other programming news, Fox is putting the highly anticipated Mel Gibson miniseries, "The Jews: Hook Nosed Killers of Christ," on temporary hiatus due a scheduling conflict with Mr. Gibson's drug counselors